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Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Update: Got a job

Gonna start my job tomorrow. Been MIA from blogging because I've been busy going to interviews and such, and then starting mid-week, I have work, with different schedules, so not sure about that. I am awaiting replies from 2 other jobs, which I'm 80% confident that I got the job! I mean, I did the best I could. I was confident, I was flexible, and I was willing! Anyway, so today was sort of the 'last day of freedom' even though I got a day off on Sunday (which seems odd since I start tomorrow, ah well). So lately, I've been really into manifestation and one person I really love to watch on YouTube is Valerie Love! I just feel inspired watching her video!

I've been neglecting reading lately though, and I feel a bit crap about that, especially since I need to achieve my minute goal of 12 books. Am also super happy that Mad Max is out on DVD! Yippie!

I don't really have much to say, just thought I'd update. I also need to apply for credit card soon to apply for my exams I need to take for my uni applications! Anyway, gonna go now, feeling sleepy and need to get prepared for tomorrow...even though my job starts at noon!

Currently listening to:

'Sparks' - Hilary Duff

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Trying to Manifest Good Vibes.

I had written a blog about 'carpe diem'-ing on Monday afternoon, but it seems I forgot to post it. As it so happens, I did indeed go on an 'adventure' of sorts Tuesday afternoon! I went to explore Wan Chai, and though in retrospect it was slightly bleak as I went to see the Convention centre, it was a needed break away from my anxiety. Now it's Wednesday afternoon, and I am back in my destinated area of the library, reading, The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson (compelling read, and I do implore you to watch his TED talk as well). Tomorrow is going to be the 'opening' (or whatever the proper word is that I can't recall) of The Maze Runner. Am very excited to go watch. I mean, I wasn't a huge fan of the first movie, but it was definitely better than The Giver (which was a horrible adaptation into film, might I add). Maze Runner was intriguing and I liked the fact that the only Asian character hasn't died off. Definitely worth a visit in the cinema tomorrow.

So far, have applied to 8 jobs. Replies: 0. I even messaged someone about a job offer, and he still declined (though somewhat nicely), saying they'd already hired someone. Bloody great.

In an effort to console my brokenness (being unemployed) I sought refuge in the library. I think I definitely feel a hell of a lot better after reading Mr. Ronson's book (am currently on the second chapter). But being logical, I thought I should take a break from reading and focus on job hunting (bleh).

Well....I had plans of being diligent in job hunting, but it seems I've ended up updating my blog! *Shrugs* I don't feel an inch of remorse. If job hunting actually yielded a result, I might be more keen universe! But I'm working on not focusing on negativity, in order to manifest good results. Law of attraction apparently (although they are probably right). But I got to thinking...if law of attraction means you can 'magically' manifest things into your life, does that mean that you can change fate? Like if your fate was to be homeless, yet you magically manifested a house, does that mean the cards have changed? Perhaps I'm being daft.

Anyway, I've got to get back to dreary job hunting. Am not looking forward to it, just the thought makes me sleepy. Ugh.

Currently reading:
The Psychopath Test - Jon Ronson

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Another Rainy Day.

If I only had one year to live, I honestly don't think I'd want or would tell anyone I was dying. Not in the first few months at least. The only response I can find myself thinking is that I'd just pack up my things and go. I'd try to find peace within myself, because it seems very evident that no matter how damn hard I try, I'm still that unhappy little girl that I was growing up. I find that no matter how hard I try to be positive, I'm still dissatisfied with my life.

Today I don't feel happy. Or content. Or grateful. Even though I know I should. And I know that I am. But I can't muster up the strength to put on a happy face and pretend things are fine. Because if I were to die in a year, I don't think I'd be happy with where my life is.

I think the reason why I'm not happy is because of this home environment I'm in. Where I'm constantly judged for never being enough.

Enough is enough.

If I had a year, I'd sure as hell not wait around here. I'd book a flight and jet off.

But then that begs the question...where'd I get the finances?

Seeing as currently unemployed and seeking employment. Part of me knows to just let it be. Let it all flow naturally and things will come full circle. But it seems a bit ridiculous to have spent my entire struggling for shit that I want.

Whether it's been books. love, acceptance - it's always a struggle.
I know everyone struggles, but I'm tired of having to fight. What the hell am I fighting for if I end up dead one day anyway?

I don't want to be this way. Being negative is a waste of my time. But I just wanted to purge all the things I'm feeling.

Bleak Saturday.

Currently listening to:
Another Rainy Day - Corinne Bailey Rae

Currently reading:
Rise and Shine - Anna Quindlen

Friday, September 4, 2015

On Calmness.

This morning I was in sort of a rush. I found myself being a bit agitated when I missed the first bus, and started feeling all these negative emotions and frowning...but then, in the moment, I decided to relax and take it slow. I told myself that it would be okay, and another bus would soon arrive. Sure enough, not 2 minutes later, a second bus arrived. On the way to my destination, the route driven was slowed down due to the morning traffic. Normally, I'd be flustered and irritated and constantly checking my phone. Today, I stood there calmly, thinking about life and how lucky I am to live in abundance. I took it slow. And eventually I got to my destination and everything was fine. I got a nice morning view, and now I get to relax and read!

I believe it's very important to remain calm. It's something I struggle with, being an impatient person. I tend to not 'have time' to deal with slowness and mundane tasks. But I feel like I'm growing up now. In the past few years, I definitely have changed. I've become less cynical and less negative towards life. Some people still don't see and make remarks that offend me. I have tried very hard to change my perspective, and it's a personal battle of mine. I've always said that you cannot change a person. You cannot change someone who doesn't see their own flaws. You can't be the only one pushing and pushing, because eventually you'll push too far and they'll leave you. I've taken my own time these past 4 years to find out who I am, and I'm very happy with my progress!

There's still change within myself that will happen, but that's another gradual process in life!

I see angry people surrounding me, and I can't help but empathize with them. Your actions speak louder than words ever could. When I see angry people, I wonder how they're doing with their life. I don't think it's a natural reaction to constantly project negative energy. I know, because I was that way. I was constantly unhappy and filled with negative thoughts, so my actions represented that.

Next time you see someone angry, or someone does something to make you annoyed, just pause and reflect in their shoes.
This will be something that I will strive towards as well. I am enjoy my stillness.

Currently listening to:
Are You Here - Corinne Bailey Rae


Before I hit the hay.

Went through my comments section of my blog, and saw old comments. It's nice to know that once upon a time, I wasn't just writing to a giant void of nothingness. That people stumbled onto my blog and found it entertaining.

I don't know if anyone still actively keeps up with this blog (I sure as hell am trying to revive it). But yeah, if anyone is reading and wants to put a smile on my face, just say hi!

Or tell me about your day. Or tell me who you are.

I just want to know that I'm not talking to a void. Although, I'm almost certain I'm not.

Fenugreek Stenches & Career Conundrum

Tried using fenugreek on my hair. So what was SUPPOSED to happen was that it was supposed to become a paste to put on my hair. I don't know what kind of paste they had in mind, but mine was gross. It had granules of fenugreek on it. It looked - to say the least - like an angry bird continuously pooped on my head, as some sort of rebellion against me. Not only that, but it smells GROSS. Just inhaling it's 'aroma' makes me want to hurl. I tried to put olive oil to lessen the smell, I don't think it worked.

Anyway, I feel like I cleaned my room a while ago (not too long) and it's already bombarded with clutters of rubbish EVERY-FRIGGIN-WHERE! I cannot handle this. I also cannot handle the stench of fenugreek remnants stuck to my hair. Bleh. Although, my father was delighted that I at least attempted this method. I don't think I will attempt this again. The smell is not worth it. If something makes you have a physical reaction (or an ode to said reaction, in this case, wanting to hurl), I think its safe to say: DO NOT RETRY. Right? No?

Anyway, in the midst of all this, I need to also find a job ASAPly. No fishes have bitten my bait. If no one got that analogy, no one's replied to my resume. Maybe I should have tried to be more impressive? I feel like in this day and age, even working in McDonalds becomes a damn hurdle. It's a simple job for Christ's sake, I don't get all these bosses who pay us pennies and expect us to bend over backwards for them. Usually they then aren't even grateful for our loyalty or service. They simply skim over us like we're fish remains. Carcasses. That's what we are. I feel like I was a whole lot less cynical about this job conundrum 4 years ago.

I just don't like the feeling of working somewhere, trying to give my best to be undervalued at the end. Or worse, having to work with insecure people who backstab others (yes, that happened to me). I think it's this hyper-competitive mentality that is drilled into us, that makes us unable to coexist with our coworkers, without looking over our shoulders to see if they're trying to cut ahead of you.

It's not that I am ungrateful when I get employment, it's just I can't imagine my entire life, stuck there, doing this deadend job til I'm 50 or worse, when I retire. I understand some people can do it, but I feel like my potential hasn't been met, and that I was meant for more than burger flipping.

I have a lot on my mind, and fenugreek stench is not helping.

Will continue tomorrow. Am feeling sleepy.

Currently listening to:
My AC whirring noisily

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Reaching Your Potential.

Having to start the job search/hunt all over again is giving me slight anxiety. Not anxiety as in 'will I find a job' but rather anxiety about what kind of job I will find and dealing with new people. I'm not a complete hermit, and I'm able to make friends at work, it's just I'm so used to (and happy) being by myself that I don't see any real desire for me to engage in mundane small talk with people who will forget me in a years' time. I guess you can say it's fear (to some level). Fear of being a failure, even though it's a ridiculous notion, because I don't feel like I've failed... although when someone does 'let you go' from your job, you can't help but feel like shit.

I've been let go 3 times in my life so far, and all 3 times I feel like they fired me because of some weird personal thing. Well maybe except for one, which he tried to be genuine by trying to comfort me and telling me there were plenty of jobs. Right. Real comforting. Excuse my cynicism, but those words aren't going to make me feel any less shit about my current situation, which is being terminated because upper management thinks you're overstaffed. I mean, I'd appreciate it a lot more if people were more straight forward and honest. If you have a problem with me, why can't you just say, 'Hey, I don't think you're cut out for this' or whatever. Or if it's a personal problem just talk it out. This is my main gripe with people, they always like to tip top around problems. Anyway, those are not situations that were in my control, so I don't wanna dwell on it for too long (bad energy attraction).

So here's what I'm doing - and have been doing for the past month - job hunting. It's kind of bleak and frustrating. I'm still in square 1. I've very determined for FINALLY go to university. I may be 4 years behind everyone, but no one puts a time limit on education. Or if you do, you're just plain dumb. Education doesn't stop when you're 22 and out of college. Or rather should I say learning. We're always learning, and always evolving,which is the wonderful thing about it. It's magical and wonderful and you realize things you never knew you could do before!

I guess besides the fear, a part of me is resisting. I've been stuck doing dead end jobs since 2012, it's 2015 for crying out loud! Look what I've achieved thus far. Not much. If I had been more patient and stuck with a job, maybe I could have been promoted by now. But noooo, I left. Well I guess that's what makes me unique from other people (everyone's unique), in that I stick to my guns. If I get bad vibes from someone, I don't feel it's necessary for me to compromise. I know, some people won't agree with the method, but that's just me, and I'm not willing to bend over backwards for people who will screw me over, or lead me to a dead end.

I'm very determined and wanting for change in my life. I want a future that transcends just picking up after people for minimum wage! There's gotta be change to end this cycle of dissatisfaction, and I believe in myself that I'm worth it! I'm worth more than 45/hr, working under ungrateful bosses. I'm better than just staying staganant, when I know I can soar! I believe in myself!

If you don't believe in yourself, no one else will! See your potential and reach for the stars!
Now time to get back to my job hunt.

Currently reading:
How To Save Your Own Life - Michael Gates Gill
The Key to Living the Law of Attraction - Jack Canfield and D.D. Watkins