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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

An Honest Look At the Past Two Years.

**I meant to post this up before my other post....

So it's been like two years since I have even set foot on this blog. To be honest, I had completely forgotten about it, and I only really 'stumbled' back upon it today, cos I was gonna start a new blog.
Two years... man it's been a damn long time! A lot has definitely changed.

I was actually reading what I wrote on my last entry, and I seemed like such a depressed kid. And I was. I was battling with my inner demons, and December of 2011 was the worst hit of my life. Since then, I've gotten better. Never really went to a doctor to 'fix me' cause fuck that, they can't fix my mental state of being, and I'm not about to become a pill popper. I got more introspective, I guess you could say. All I know is that being depressed fucking sucked, and I wanted to just wallow in self pity all day long cos of stupid bullshit a and stupid bullshit b.. you know how life is sometimes. I actually think my doctor noticed that I was missing a part of myself, cos during one visit when I went alone, he asked me how I thought about life and I just said it was fine or whatever, I think he could sense a sort of melancholy from me. I was a very melancholic child growing up, and I still am now, but I'm getting better. It's sort of fucked up from I live in the first world and I feel miserable as all hell, and there are children suffering from abuse, malnutrition, poverty, war-striken, homeless, parentless, neglected, and here I am dissatisfied with my life. Truly a first world problem. That's not to knock down people's problems though. People suffer in different ways, and people suffer silently... either way pain is pain, we can't measure sugar and salt all in one go, cos they're two different things. That's how I feel anyway, but in retrospect, my problems aren't really 'problems' but more of a sense of lostness that I feel about myself. It's been two years, and I haven't gotten any closer to realizing what the hell I want to do with my life.

The last post, I addressed my shit job... to be honest, it wasn't a shit job, it was a great experience for a first-timer, especially since that was my very first job. It was quite fantastic, minus the a-hole boss' father, who'd keep saying this and that. I really hated him, and he was super biased. There was this one girl who worked there and he seemed to favor her, and she'd do something wrong or she wouldn't really work and he pretended like he didn't see her flaws. Bitch please. I remember one time, I was so mad, I actually TOLD HIM to his shriveled up onion face that she was just nonsense and she hadn't done her job properly and why wasn't he chastising her and making her stay after? In return, he began to lecture ME, as if I was the dumbass who didn't know how to do jackshit at job. Bitch please, I know what I'm doing. I don't give respect to those undeserving of it, and he wasn't deserving of it. My boss on the other hand, was a nice chap, and he seemed kinda lost at times... but he was better than the shriveled onion face. Anyway, karma's a bitch cos both their shops closed down.

As the final month came, I remember I had a massive crush on this boy I was working with, and I knew he liked me too (didn't hurt that his friend blatantly told me that he fancied me). It was the most pathetic moment of my life, we both liked each other and we both did jackshit. He actually conjured up this story with his friend saying to me that he had a girlfriend, I remember I was kinda hurt and pissed off. But they kept at it saying that he's got a girlfriend and whatever else. He actually told my co-worker friend that he was just laying to me. At that time he was pissed off at me too, for whatever godforsaken reason that I didn't understand, cos he'd REFUSE to talk to me, and he'd talk to my friend, and to be honest, it made me a bit jealous cos I thought he was my friend too and he was being sort of flirtatious and a jerk to me. In the end, he did talk to me, I forgot why... and the reason he was mad at me was apparently cos I wouldn't really strike up a conversation with him, besides asking about work, and I was like really friendly to his friend and he prob thought I had a crush on his friend... so all in all, he was just jealous. It's kinda sad though, cos I had this stupid expectation that on the last day, something was gonna happen and nothing happened and I was like super disappointed but I tried to persuade my mind to think otherwise and I was like 'don't worry, he'll ask you to hang out' bullocks. That never happened. Funny thing is I met him at the bus station once like 6 months back when I was still working...wait that was probably more like 8 months back, and I bumped into him as I was waiting there and he struck up a shy conversation. It was sort of strange, all that time that passed and he was still the shy boy that I remembered. Even after all that time, he seemed to have a hard time talking to me, it was kinda strange... oh well, he had the chance to ask me out.

I sort of fell in love twice since 2012. I fell harder the second time.
The first one was with a guy who was like my boyfriend. Well... he was my boyfriend, I suppose. But it wasn't like a real intense relationship, even though I wanted it to be something serious, cos I was enamored by him. He had this certain charm to him, that made me attract to him, like a moth to a flame. And he was tall, which I like. He smoked, which I didn't like. And people doubted that a guy like him, could like a girl like me. Those people are just shallow twats. I don't know if he loved me though, although one time when I was on the phone with him at the metro, I sort of heard him saying "I love you" and then I asked "what??" and he didn't repeat himself... so I dunno. The relationship didn't last long, cos I felt like he didn't care about me, and people said he was just using me. To be fair, I don't think he was ready for a relationship either. Plus people said he was like a player.... who knows. All I know is that I was honest, and if he wasn't, then shame's on his conscious, not mine. That relationship lasted about a month til it fizzled to ashes.

Then I liked another guy, whom I thought fancied me too, and he was giving off this vibe like he was. Apparently not, cos that asshole had a girlfriend who pretended to be my friend. She never seemed to like me that much though. Whatever, karma's a bitch, bitch. Even now, she seems apprehensive about my existence. At times, I've sort of wondered if I should attempt to be nice to her, but to be honest, dishonest people like her don't deserve my kindness, so she can very kindly fuck off. Her boyfriend on the other hand is all sort of weird. There's been a couple of times when he will acknowledge my existence and say hi and mundane shit like that, sometimes I'm like an invisible being to him. I guess similarities attract each other.  Even though he's been with her for like 2 years, he still won't admit he's taken. He's a real keeper! I don't get men like him.

I FINALLY got a new phone after like what two years with my old smartphone, which was a galaxy ace, a gift from my dad's friend. It was an alright phone, not top of the line, and died rather quickly battery wise. But I didn't have wifi on it or anything, but if I watched a video, the battery just went to hell. The only reason I got to buy a new smartphone is cos I stupidly spilled coke on my ace & couldn't save it, so goodbye old phone, hello g2! The new phone's pretty sweet, the battery still dies relatively quickly cos I make the screen quite bright to watch YouTube on, it's fantastic though and I probably won't ever upgrade unless this phone also goes to hell. (Hopefully not a tragic death like my ace).

There's been a few guys chasing me too, and I've been assholes to all of them. There was this one guy, who was sweet, and kept asking me to dinner (we lived nearby). I met him at the bus station, and I was like fuck it, we meet people at the strangest of places. Plus everyone's a stranger right? He seemed cool, so I talked to him, gave him my number. We met a few times, but I started getting the vibe he was into me, cos he'd always ask if I had a boyfriend, and at the time, I was chasing after my boyfriend (we were just close friends at the time, but I knew I fancied him a bit). I started getting a bit freaked out (as is my regular response when a guy fancies me, probably from shock that anyone finds me attractive). Anyway, I kept postponing our hangouts and one day he spotted me at work, he seemed sad, but still hopeful I guess. He was a sweetheart, and I was kind of a jerk, and kind of surprised and he still wanted to meet up and stuff, and I don't know what happened, I sort of ignored him. At the time, my friend was moving to another city and I was feeling confused about my life and I was fancying someone else and it was complicated cos his friend fancied me, and I guess I didn't have enough headspace to give a shit about someone else that I didn't really know. That's on me, for being a bitch, and I do feel bad and recently I tried to contact him again after ignoring him for like 2 years... I guess it was a guilt thing? Needless to say, I got no response from him, that's well deserving on my part. But I actually bumped into him on the street once, as I was scrolling through my Facebook feed on the street. I saw this tall guy, very tan, sort of staring in my direction and I thought it was weird. Then I realized he was glaring at me and I was wondering what his problem was, but I looked up for a brief glance and smiled and kept walking. After I looked down I sort of realized I knew that guy, and he was the guy I sort of snubbed for 2 years... I deserved that glare. Poor chap. He was also a converted Christian boy... well I hope all is well for him.

There was also another boy who I sort of didn't really care for, or was that nice to. That was because at the time, I fancied another guy.. who is the second guy I fell in love with. It's been I think a year and a half since I met my second love....
Let's talk about that -segue-

I guess this is bordering on really personal, but I don't really keep 'secrets' cos I think they're just pretense bullshit insecurities in a way. Like how big can your secret be... unless you killed someone... in which case you should go to prison. But for us regular folk, what great extent could our secret be? It seems a bit pretentious. I'm sort of an open book type of person anyway.

***It was getting late that day (I wrote this like three days ago) and I guess I felt too tired to continue writing and fell asleep or distracted. If I remember too, I will continue.

Not A Good Morning.

Tuesday was SUPPOSED to be a relaxing day, cos it's the one day 'off' I get per week.
I have some qualms to talk about. Can I just talk about it for a minute? Okay? Okay. I don't know if I used qualms correctly in this sentence, but let's just go with it.

So this morning started off with my mother YELLING at me to get up. It was only half past seven. I don't understand those kids that can to sleep in til 11am or wake up mid day whenever the hell they feel like it. Even when I used to work during the night, and get home at like 6am, I still got woken up at like basically like 5 hours of sleep, cos if I left work at 6, it'd take about an hour to get home.... I DON'T GET IT.
I slept at 1am last night, and then I got woken up at half seven. Actually, I got woken up earlier than that cause I had to switch off my AC before mom complained YET AGAIN. I swear, she just finds reasons to make sure I wake up, and as a consequence of inadequate sleep, I feel sleepy the rest of the day. So that's my morning routine. And because she constantly pisses me off to wake me up, I am already have a bad start to the damn day. What is this bullshit that I'm supposed to 'change my mentality'. Oh I'm sorry, did you live with someone raging on your EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING. to wake up? Did you experience that and channel in that negative energy exuded from your mom and used it during morning meditation to help you gain clarity?? DID YOU? Cos I didn't.

So I wake up annoyed, and that's not enough, because then she finds a hundred thousand other reasons to be pissed off and is telling me all these things while I try to block her out by watching YouTube videos on my phone. Occasionally she will yell very loudly for me to listen to her, cos she probably noticed me not giving a crap.
It's the same ol stuff. Vacuum the floor. Mop the floor. Wash the clothes. Do this do that. Blablablah. I don't actually feel inspired to do any of those things. It might be partially my very acute laziness, and it might also be the fact that she interrupts my sleep every day, so I feel pissed off waking up. Not sure about you, but that isn't exactly "power of persuasion".

Then there's my father, whose only main concern is for me to become 'slim'. It's not even healthy and fit. It's SLIM. When did it become so dangerously common for everyone to look the same? I'm not against being thin or anything, and yeah, I wanna be thin... but I don't wanna be skinny thin, I wanna be healthy thin in a fit manner, and yes there is a difference. People can be anorexic and 'skinny' but not necessarily healthy. There are skinny fat people, which is just as bad as being fat. Skinny people can develop bad health, just as overweight people can. I think we need to find a good equilibrium here.

Then there's the fact that I go to the gym every day. My dad and I made this deal (quite a bad deal might I add). It started like about five months ago, sometime in like February, after I had just quit my latest job cos the boss is all sorts of confused about what he wants, cos apparently he wasn't achieving it. I digress.
So there was this brilliant plan constructed by my dad, I had no part or longing to agree to it, and I didn't agree to it for the longest time. I'm kinda shooting myself in the foot right now for that, cos it's been the worst five to six months of my life, besides that especially one horrible case of depression I felt a few winters ago.

Anyway, so the plan was for me to not go to work and work on my health and fitness and whatever. In the beginning it was good. I was all pumped for it, and was like 'hell yeah, gonna be a fit bitch!' However, the story doesn't continue in a good direction. I was pumped for it, I started charting shit and reading up how to be healthy and exercises and what to do and how long I would spend doing each thing, and basically prepping myself to be hot damn. The problem with one person trying to do everything in a perfect manner is that you soon burn out from overwhelming yourself, which is usually what I do. So I got overwhelmed a bit, but I wasn't completely deterred from my original goal & I was still gunning for gold. Anyway, the month passed and money was tight boo. I think in the first month, I didn't really take care of myself too well, or my financial state of mind, cos I was spending too much money. Over the past 2 years of working, I've gotten into the habit of spending like money ain't a thing, and that rubbed off negatively on me when my paycheck started to get lower. By lower, I mean, my dad wasn't me nearly as much as I would be getting if I had gotten a job, but you know, I was like that's cool, cos all I had to do was workout, eat right and become fit. Simple enough right? Wrong. Because I had more money before, I was used to spending money, and eating out all the damn time, and now that my income was lower, I still had that habit and still had the urge to go out and eat ALL. THE. TIME.

Anyway, I feel like it's a waste of time, continuing on that long ass sob story.

The point is... I agree with what my dad says about being more serious about fitness and whatnot. What I don't agree with is his damn approach. Apparently I'm not working out hard enough cos I listen to music while I'm working. WHAT THE HELL ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? Workout in silence? Or while I'm listening to the horrible songs that the gym selects? They have TVs at the gym too, but it's all on mute with subtitles I can't read. The other option is to people watch, which I do anyway, cos it's a default reaction. He says I need to sweat like there's no tomorrow (basically) so that I can become slim. The problem that I have with him is, all he cares about is being slim. It's always slim this, slim that and he's just harping me all the time cos I never look like I lost weight and whatever. I did lose weight tho, but not like 50 pounds or whatever. I think he thinks that by this point in time, I should've lost a lot more weight than I actually have in the past 6 months. If you follow the guidelines provided by the health people, apparently what 2lbs per month is good? So I should've lost 12 pounds by now right?

To be fair to him, I sort of agree with his sentiment of impatience with the gain loss thang, but then again, it's cos every damn month, I need to be concerned about if I have money. If I don't have money, how in the hell am I supposed to go out and get groceries to eat healthy? Part of the reason for my failure is because every month, I don't have enough. Perhaps it's cos I spend my money in a bad way and because I like to eat out a lot, and that's my bad. But he doesnt' tell me when I'm gonna get paid, so it's like I'm pinching pennies all the time, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or if I should cook at home. But I eat out cos of convenience and it's not like I'm hitting up McDonalds and Burger King everyday. I go to eat at restaurants that charge triple what a McDonalds meal cost, so I'm over here dying, partially cos of my stupidity. Old habits die hard ya'll.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... I have no idea in hell what I'm doing with my life. Better start looking for a proper job again. Oh mundanity, we shall meet again.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Up On Melancholy Hill


I woke up late and I got to work late again for the third time.
I got pissed at the lady who hands out fliers because I'm impatient. I don't think she likes me very much either.
I was mad at the boys for not coming on time, and I got even more pissed when they arrived three hours late.
They were late because of a devestation. I was still mad regardless. Maybe I'm too cold-hearted? But I ended up 'forgiving' them.
I wondered why the other boy didn't speak to me.
I wondered if I did something wrong.
I felt self-conscious.
I sprayed too much perfume, and I still feel any better.
I went to see him... that boy with expectations.
My expectations were soon destroyed.
I left with anger.
I felt stupid.
I felt pitiful.
I wanted to kick myself.
I feel like I lost a chance at something.
I'm thinking too much.
Why doesn't he like me?
Why doesn't he like me?
Why doesn't he like me?
I return.
The person I loathe is there.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.

I try to tell people what I feel is accurate.
I'm pretty sure they think I'm silly.
I am...
Just stupid.

I try to feel better,
But now I feel tired
And angry
And sad
And like crying
Because I feel so hopeless
So hopeless.
I'm going to go sleep now.

My heart aches.
My heart aches.
My heart aches.
It's past 12, and I am so terribly pitiful.
This is my life. I only have hopes and wants and wishes which seem unattainable. I live in a reality and that reality surrounds me and often tells me that I am incorrect.
I don't know whom to believe, or whether to smile, laugh, cry or just sleep it all away.
I don't want to hold on to truth, because it's like a boiling water, scalding my skin.

I can just lay it out in front of you: I am wasting time.
I am sleepy.
And I feel anxious.

I waited the entire day to visit him, and the outcome was massive disappointment. I left with just this deep-rooted sadness that I tried to shrug off.
He was there and I didn't dare look at him, but I so desperately wanted to. And I wanted to talk with him and make him laugh and keep his smile all to myself.
But the reality is that I am way too embarrassed to admit to him that I fancy him. I do not know him at all, except that I want him to be a part of something with me.

I don't know why I do this to myself. This is just pain etching it's scars on my heart.
I am exhausted by the chase, when I'm the one running and running for something invisible.

Can somebody just knock sense into me?

Monday, August 6, 2012

Call Me Maybe?

I have come to the grave realization that happiness makes me sad.
Or at least sad when I'm feeling miserable about my own reality.
It's past 12 and I have work tomorrow morning and I really do not give a crap.

I was brushing my teeth earlier and I some toothpaste dribbled down my chin and landed on my shirt, so I splashed water onto my shirt and now there's a damp area in the center.
It's like how I feel.
Sort of incomplete.

In a way, I do feel completely pathetic. I feel like my vocabulary is way too limited for me to correctly convey all these emotions fumbling around into my head. I just know that I want to write, and I want to express my sorrow.

I've been gone for too long haven't I? But then again, who am I disappointing? The emptines or the tumbleweed?
Why am I back?
Because................ I have fallen for a boy.
Just this boy with a great smile, who melts my heart, and who confuses me. Okay, I'll be honest, my heart cannot decide, and I do like more than one boy, but it's just... this one boy in particular just seems to consume my thoughts.
Day in and day out, and all I ever want to ask to anybody who cares to listen is "DOES HE LIKE ME!?"

Is it impossible?
Am I too ugly?
Am I not enough?
Does he have a girlfriend?
Or am I overthinking something that shouldn't be this complicated.

That's the thing with me, I always try to categorize things. Even emotions.
It always has to be placed somewhere.
These feelings of mine, contrasted with what I assume he thinks, which just isn't good enough because it's inaccurate.
I am not infallible.
I cannot read minds.
I am struggling
And suffocating, while earnestly needing some sort of reassurance.

But whenever someone tells me what I want to hear, it seems sarcastic.
It seems like something they want me to know, so that I will shut up about this one monotonmous topic that may bore them.

But perhaps I am being too harsh to my friends.
Maybe they do mean well.
What do I know?
Maybe they are accurate
And maybe I'm just a fool.

I slept for four hours during the afternoon, and I'm still tired.
My brain is probably exhausted from me constantly thinking about the same thing over and over and over, hoping for a different outcome.
Is that a tad bit insane?
That's what insanity is, isn't it?
Doing the same thing repititiously and hoping for something different as an outcome.

What are my emotions doing to me?

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

For Each Boy

For that first boy who broke my heart
And the first boy who made me laugh
And made me believe I was in love
For six solid years
Until goodbye tore us apart.

For that second boy where we shared secrets
For when we walked and you told me your past crushes
And I silently listened
While wanting to tell you I like you
But that I knew my wish would never come true.

For that third boy who was charming
Who had a smile that lit up his face
And in return I gave a smile
Wanting our conversation never to end
And for you to keep repeating
That same hello over and over again.

For that fourth boy whom I never knew
Who I desperately wanted to befriend
Who I didn't know I could like so long
And then some
Like a forever waiting to happen
But his darting eyes never falling to me
And so the question begs
'Why do you bother?'

For the fifth boy who I didn't want to forget
With the handsome face
The weird smile that seemed misplaced
For the way his eyes would sometimes
Sneak to look into mine
While my heart pitter pattered with uncertainity

For the sixth boy who I didn't want to risk liking
But I fell for anyway
Because of his sweetness
And like candy in my mouth
Eventually faded away

For the seventh boy who gave me a one armed hug
And the eighth boy who may or may not be.

These are the days of my infatuation
And they are the people who teach me life lessons.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I Woke Up & Wanted to Blog

This morning, my legs feel like jello. I still feel tired regardless of the nine hours of sleep I acquired, and I need to go to the library to return my books.
Today, it's my one day off from work, and I feel quite aimless. That's not to say that I think I shouldn't take a break and rest. But I just feel so clueless about today, like my plans are uncertain.
Two weeks until my second pay cheque. I guess I should learn to be more frugal, instead of going crazy, just because I have got the money.
I don't know if I feel like I'm missing something in my life, or if I just naturally feel down during the mornings. I wonder what would happen if I lived by myself. Speaking of which, I need to call up my friend later.
Waking up and listening to Alanis Morissette has definitely brightened my day though.
I realized that it's already the end of May, and I haven't done anything to prepare for university. I didn't even apply, yet again this year. I will probably get backlash for that. Why can't people just accept that it's my choice? Well... they probably do, and just want me to be a somebody, somewhere, someday. But for now, I feel content. The job's a bit of a hassle, but I have a good laugh with my friends. And besides, I am still uncertain what I want to study in university. Is that a good excuse? Probably not.
Anyway, I am busy relishing in the absolute amazing-ness that is Alanis Morissette! I am so glad, I picked up her album "The Collection" probably about 5 or so years ago! I absolutely love it. Now more than before, because I have become more logical!