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Thursday, April 21, 2016

A Damper In My Spirit

Been feeling excited about spending about an hour and half every night reading. Of course there will always be a downside to every good, which is: my job. I know that in past posts I've complained a lot about my job and how I kind of detest it at times. There are times that I actually do enjoy my job and rationalize staying, which is what I've been doing for the past 4 months. Since about early December, mid January, I figured it's best if I leave. Granted, I seem to have 'commitment issues' with my job, so I thought it would be better to stay. I'm reading the eight month mark of my job, and I really thought going into this job that I would last a year. It's proving difficult. Why? Well, seeing as how EVERY SINGLE month and sometimes week, there is a different problem plaguing us, it doesn't really seem worth my mental exhaustion at constantly chasing a solution. I'm not joking when I say that there is ALWAYS A PROBLEM at this job. It's as if they are cursed. It's really off-putting and it's upsetting everyone working there. I don't think the bosses really handled this curve ball very well, which goes to show they aren't truly equipped to run a well organized, efficient and successful business. It's very evident when there is always a problem, there is never a solution, or the solution is to make the remaining people work that much harder. In the grand scope of things, this job is of course not the most difficult job in the world, but that does not detract how we are feeling as being any less valid. Just because we are not doctors or lawyers, does not mean that what we do is not physically and mentally exhasting. The physical aspect of it only transpires occassionally, but the mental stress is great.

This past week for example, for the first 2 days we had a staff out cold sick, which of course is perfectly valid. Then starting on Tuesday the lady whose been out for a few months came to work til 1. Then on from 1 til whenever, there's only 2 people. On most days that's a pretty alright schedule. A bit tedious,but alright. However, we have to factor in unknown issues that may arise, for example today there is a large order. So literally yesterday we only had about 4 hours to prep EVERYTHING. The part timer who came abandoned me for 2 hours to go to the doctors, again perfectly valid. But c'mon man, you basically stuck me with 2 people doing less hours than me. How is that fair? I'm stuck working straight through TEN HOURS WITHOUT A DAMN BREAK, and waited an extra half hour because he returned late. And in the morning someone's only working 6 hours, then we got someone only working 8 hours and I'm bloody working 10 and a half hours.

What I'm basically trying to say is, I've had just about enough. It's really not worth wasting 5 more months to get my 'bonus' if that's even going to be a full amount. It's time I leave.

Currently reading: Finders Keepers by Stephen King

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

The Truth Does Not Set You Free

Watching the documentary about Aaron Swartz. For those of you that don't know who he is, he was a political activist of sorts. He wanted education to be freed, and in the end, met his demise.

I haven't finished the documentary at this point, I shall have to finish it tomorrow evening after work seeing as I need to spend the next couple of hours reading before bed. This documentary does get me thinking though. In a world that encourages free-thinking, there really isn't any thing of that nature. There is not merit to free, independent, intellectual thinking. It is not appraised. It is falsely praised by 'brilliant' people who use their genius for profit, but others who use it to benefit the 99% get classified as 'trouble makers'. This world does not seek truth. As least, the institutes don't. While people are so worried about the fucking Illuminati, the real Illuminati are the 1% who try to suppress growth from the 'oppressed'. Just Google search people who have become victims for speaking out about the truth. This is the real conspiracy. Truth is a conspiracy. It's sickening to think that most of the world is passively letting unlawful acts go by. Even the law is not your friend. People use it for tactics of manipulation.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016


Been spending the past few days invested in finding time to read, learning about veganism and generally relaxing my body. Of course there are other important things I need to do, like finding a good online program for me to join for my uni course. There's things like exercise and health, etc, but the core of my time is invested mainly in reading and watching Q & A's from Gary Yourofsky's speeches. There are a lot of vegan advocates on social media platforms and generally scattered around YouTube, but I don't think they are as - in a sense - as effective as Gary (for lack of a better term). I just think that the way Gary Yourofsky sends his message out there is more logical and better thought out and he reels in his anger so he doesn't sound like he's preaching (even though he is). Out of all the vegans I've seen, I think I prefer watching and getting educated from Gary.

As I mentioned in a post several months ago, I am very interested in going vegan. In those past months, I haven't necessarily transitioned, but in the whole scope of things, I think I have greatly reduced my amount of meat consumption. I don't drink milk or have dairy (generally because I think I am slightly lactose intolerant). Occasionally I'll have cheese if it's on pizza. But I think I should start incorporating vegan milk substitutes, I do drink soy milk often, and I do like almond milk, I've tried rice milk. There's also hemp milk, oat milk, there's a variation of oat and barley milk or something like that. I've read that almond milk contains  more calcium than cow's milk, so people don't need to be concerned about that.

I also generally avoid fish and seafood. I do not like fish, and the fact that our oceans are so polluted and disgusting, does not give me more incentive to eat fish. I'm not saying I am a saint though, once in a blue moon, I will eat pan-fried fish, but I'm most certain it's the cheap stuff that the store is selling, so it's probably not even good for you. Also the whole thing about mercury poisoning in fish gives me another excuse to not consume fish. I also don't understand vegetarians who eat fish. When did fish become a plant? I thought vegetarians didn't eat animal flesh. Did fish somehow become a broccoli? And I'm not saying that to be anal, because you can eat fish and vegetables, but don't call yourself vegetarian, because that's misleading. Call yourself a pescatarian. .

I'm also reading this book about how to be vegetarian, and there's varying degrees of vegetarian. There's something like lacto-ovo vegetarians, which is the general population of vegetarians that consume dairy and eat eggs. There's ovo-veg that eat egg but not dairy, etc ( you can Google 'types of vegetarians' for further reading material). I just don't get vegetarians who eat fish... I mean, okay, it's better than consuming ALL types of meat, but fish is still meat. Don't kid yourself. (There's a guy where I work that's like that, I think I will correct him one day).

Here's the thing with me though, I tend to eat out a lot. I generally consume 2 meals a day (I know that that is not the healthiest meal plan) and both of those meals are generally eaten out. Lunch has very few limitations. There's sort of a 'fast food' chain here where I live that sells rice and things, and then there's KFC (gross) and McDonalds, Starbucks, 7-Eleven and a sandwich deli way yonder. I guess if I was trying to be vegan, there's almost NO options and that's not me copping out, that's me searching my vicinity. Of course the obvious choice is, why don't you just pack your own lunch. See, I've had intentions of doing that since maybe November or early December and now it's almost mid-April and my lazy ass hasn't done it. The only excuse I can give is just that - I'm fucking lazy. For a while there, I did use to make a veggie wrap, made with sliced bell peppers, sprinkled with a ton of pepper, and a bit of vegan cheese...but I got lazy. The other alternative I used to make before I started working was eating penne with tomato sauce and 2 sausages. I generally don't like pork sausages so I had chicken sausage and once even tried turkey sausage. I think there's research out there that actually says chicken is the worst poultry to consume because of the whole caging system and how it's unhygienic. I believe it. I should probably start packing a lunch. My other excuse for why I don't pack a lunch is because I get really overwhelmed with what I want to cook, even though realistically, I could probably survive on eating the SAME meal for at least 3 months before getting tired of it, so it's not really a good excuse.

I am put in my goals for 2016 to TRANSITION slowly into the vegan lifestyle. I don't know why but there's this sort of 'insecurity' that I feel. One of them being 'well what if I want to become a chef, how will I become a chef if I limit my palette'. Which I think is bullshit, because I doubt that veganism limits your palette, in fact, I think it diversifies it. I don't care much for people's perceptions of what I'd be consuming less of, but I'm just worried about a future prospect, which is stupid, because I never even 100% considered becoming a chef. Although, I do want to open a restaurant, in which case it'd be BETTER if I opened a veg shop, because:

1. It's better for the environment
2. I could introduce people into a healthier alternative

Like that place 'Loving Hut' (which I have yet to try, but want to go, I'm trying to coerce one of my more health conscious friends to go with me).

The thing about me is that I needlessly worry about things that don't need to be worried about. Well, for the time being anyway.

Besides, I kind of also want to be events planner, which doesn't mean I'm going to be sitting on my ass all day eating steak (not that I eat cows now).

Anyway, I think this has been a long enough post, so I'm going to go now and watch more videos, take a shower, buy some meds (I'm sick) and go to the library and continue reading.

Currently reading: Pretty Girls by Karin Slaughter, Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot (re-read)

Saturday, April 9, 2016

When Life Gives You Coughing Lemons...Find Some Lemon Cough Drops

Apparently, I've fell back into the trap of not blogging. In my defense, I've been trying to get a stronghold on my 2016 goals, and do some more reading. Also, I've been feeling under the weather. Work is still a hassle, no surprise there. I would do a work update, but there's been a shit storm of drama happening, I don't know where to start the whole catch up process.

Although (briefly), my boss did get into an argument with the lady whose never at work because she's always sick, I've been wanting really desperately to quit (and am on the verge of handing in my resignation), one of my bosses broke up with his girlfriend (according to him 'amicably') and I really want to quit. It's important to reiterate the desire to quit, because my tolerance threshold is dangerously low. But we're not here to talk about that, because I'll end up in a horrible mood.

I did manage to finally read a damn book this month after 2 bleak months of only reading about a book a month. I've read 2 books already, and it's only the ninth. I'm rather proud of myself.

Earlier this week (and near the end of last week), I started feeling under the weather. It started off with me coughing a bit every few days. It turned into, me losing my voice and getting meds, to me actually having coughing fits and getting a runny nose. Way to go medicine. I bought some over-the-counter cough syrup, because I thought it was nothing serious. Right. So after I took that, I started to lose my voice. So I didn't go to work sometime last week, and dragged my ass to a doctor. I didn't go to my 'regular' doctor, because they were packed and I didn't feel like waiting or talking to the nurse in a really raspy, barely audible voice. Also, the nurse there kind of gets on my nerves. So I went to the other doctor, about 15 minutes away. He might be blind, or the nurses are daft, because they circled me as 'male'. I am not a male. Way to go. So that was basically a waste of my money, because I specially told the doctor, I lost my voice AND I'm getting sick. I think I also hinted that I needed cough meds, but I guess when he was checking my inhaling techniques, he thought I wouldn't develop a chesty cough(even though I told him that).

So my plan of attack is to buy more shitty over-the-counter cough syrup, because fuck the fact that I need to sell out another couple hundred dollars so some 'doctor' can give me the wrong meds. Clearly, I'm not better and I'm hella bitter about it. I hate being sick.

Also, everyone where I work is apparently fucking sick. My boss is coming in to work tomorrow and he told me he needs to go early to 'go see the doctor'. I swear to god, if he says anything, I'm gonna give him a piece of mind and tell him I got worse because he pressured me to come back to work when I wasn't actually well. Might I add that the other lady's been out since almost the beginning of the year. She's been at work, but she's been present less than 50% of the time, so excuse me, if I seem fucking annoyed.

Life's pretty devoid of action. I've been recently re-inspired to start reading again because of BookTube and me YouTube-ing 'finding time to read'. Listening to people giving reading tips, makes me want to read.

It's only 9 pm and I'm very sleepy. Had corn and cup noodles for dinner. Maybe that's why my immune systems gone to hell.

Was gonna watch a movie or watch an episode of 'The Closer'...that's not happening. Might read and go to bed.

I got a headache.

Fuck this shit.

Currently reading: Insomnia by Stephen King & Pretty Girls by Karin Slaughter

Thursday, March 17, 2016

I feel like, as someone who talks a lot about loving books, and reading, I often skip the actual 'reading' part. It's not that I don't enjoy reading. One of my favorite things to do is get engrossed in interesting/good writing. That could be anything from a magazine article, to a Facebook post, to a book. I enjoy the idea of reading, however, it seems I can't force myself to actually commit to sectioning off a bit of my day to sitting down and reading. I sort of blame that on the fact that work is hectic as all hell, and has been since the beginning of 2016. For the first month, I did really well and accomplished my goal of reading 4 books. February rolled around, and I got caught up in work 'drama' and conflicts of scheduling. Now it's March, and I'm mostly sleep deprived and the last thing I want to do is sit and read. I end up spending a vast majority of my days off either sitting on my bed or as my desk aimlessly perusing through YouTube. There's a million things I need/want to do, but February and March has been bleak to say the least.

I feel like I can't blame work for all of my downfalls, because it's still a conscious effort to forego my responsibilities and behave like a sloth. I need to pick up the pieces and get my life together. Been also feeling sleep deprived.

Currently (attempting) to read: The Crazed by Ha Jin

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Rude Awakening.

Haven't been in the blogosphere for almost a month now. To be honest:
1. I haven't felt motivated to write
2. Super busy with work

I feel like I'm constantly just debriefing about work, but work is a vast majority of my life. It's just wake up, get ready, go to work, take my lunch break, work, finish work, come home, try to destress by watching YouTube, eat, sleep. Repeat. Not much of a life really. Do I enjoy it? I'm not sure yet. Part of me enjoys it. I do like the rigid schedule of it all. I like the busier days, even though it's taking a toll on me. I'm taking a day off from work today. I just feel kind of burnt out. I give and give, and they want more and more. That's not to say I'm going to quit, but I'm thinking about long term goals. And I'm wondering if it's worth the sacrifice til September, or if I should quit and start anew somewhere else.

It's funny how times have changed. A year ago, I was feeling angst towards staying in one job that I felt wasn't serving me, so I moved around a bit. Going from 1 job to the next, until I found something that felt okay. But I've been here nearly 7 months, and trust me, there have been a LOT of conflicts. From schedules to illnesses to not having enough staff. Through it all, I have stayed. But there's a certain limit that people can take. So now I'm wondering what the hell I'm going to do when September rolls around. I need to go to school and I need to save money. Well...more money. I do have a stash of cash for 'a rainy day'. But I want to continue earning more. It's this weird 'phobia' that I have of not wanting to be 'poor'. I know that sounds super snobby and elitist of me, but I hate struggling. I hate struggling and being anxious about money, because it's stupid. There's more pressing things in life, and money is a luxury. But I prefer to preoccupy my time with other things and have a steady flow of income. Basically, I need a back up plan for the next 2 years when September comes. Will probably end up somewhere doing part time jobs. I mean...I like my job and I'd prefer to work here, but the school hours are ridiculous. And I haven't even decided that I will go to that school.

I have a vision for my future self. I want to be successful and wealthy. It's so vain, but I want it. I want to live in a lush apartment and I want to give my parents that same privilege.  I want to work hard and do what I love and earn money and help people. I want to cook and serve the poor. I want to give people the gift of education. I want to be a philantrophist. I want to become a writer, a poet, a speaker. I want to be an artist, a singer, a painter. I want to be and do EVERYTHING! I want to travel and explore. I want to experience and embrace different cultures and different people. I don't want to be stagnant.

I've been stagnant for too damn long now. It's only been 22 years, but that's already enough. I don't want to wake up one day in my forties and realized my entire life  is shit and a fraud. I don't want to start living when I'm fifty, faced with a mid-life crisis of 'what the fuck have I done with my life?" I don't want to be lying on my death bed with regret!


Friday, February 12, 2016

Going anywhere today seems 'too far'. Almost 5pm, feeling low energy. Just want to lay down but also want to eat something. I feel tired. I don't know what to do. Maybe it's stress?