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Friday, September 12, 2014

Feeling Less Hopeful.

I have issues.

I was so hopeful and confident yesterday (or the last few days actually) and now I feel like it might not be possible! Ignorance is bliss?
Now I'm worried about visa applications (what if they won't approve my visa?), the cost (no wonder people feel so despondent), and then even if those are okay, what about admission (what if NO ONE accepts me into their school???). This is enough to drive anyone insane... well besides the fact that most kids in high school do feel the same way.

I don't get why this has to be so intense! And more over, it's really depressing to think that NO ONE IS GOING TO ACCEPT ME!!! Besides the fact that I wanna go study in the EU...and the cost of living is a little intense (AKA: bloody expensive!).

And it's raining too..which is not helping my damn mood. And I'm hungry, so I'm a little bit more peeved. This whole process is annoying...when I grow up, I can see myself hiring an assistant to deal with my problems! Sacre blue!!!

There's nothing else to write besides the fact that I now feel stressed the hell out, I'm hungry and sleepy.
Dammit.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

It's Good to Find Direction In Life.

The one thing I never understand for teenagers is the immediate need to go to university after graduate. Of course there are always those above average kids, who've had goals since they began school, with a clear view of what they want for themselves in the distant future, but then again, there is a large group of kids who just go to university with no end goal (besides graduating) and dive head first into the unknown.

Sure, it's exciting! Finally INDEPENDENCE! Freedom from your mom's daily nags about this and that, but then again, you do pay the price for your independence. Just cause you want it, doesn't mean you are ready for it sweetheart! Have you seen those wreckless teens who out go and binge out every night, and let their grades slip away? Sacré bleu mon ami! 

What a waste of time! (Surely I can't be the only one who views it that way!) Money doesn't just grow on trees, and cascade down into your pocket, like leaves withering from the trees! I feel like a lot of teens waste their first year, and slip away and end up doing horribly in school (or not to their potential!).

I, on the other hand, took a different approach! I decided that I was going to take time of from school, having just recently graduated, and focus on getting a job! It's been three years since I've left school, and I've finally decided it's time to go back! What's with the immediate rush to go through school? Most kids who leave high school are about aged 17 or 18, you take a 4 year course to get your bachelors in whatever degree you want, and then, if you so decide, continue your education. I've seen kids that I've known already graduate, and go on to get their masters or whatever....they don't really stop to work, or decide to do both. While it is good to get a good education, IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT! One of the things that I vowed to never let happen was, slip into debt! What is all this rubbish about "student loans" LOANS ARE THE THINGS THAT GOT US INTO A RECESSION PEOPLE! I had an english teacher in high school, in her late twenties, married, and still paying off her debt! Let's say for example she was 22 when she graduated, got her degree in English, and proceeded to land a job at where I studying to become my English teacher a few years later. I think it had been at least a couple of years since she graduated that she landed the job at my school. But even then, how long does it take to get rid of debt?

Debt is just one of those kinds of things that makes me uneasy, cause you're bound to lose money if you can't repay them and incur massive amounts of interests? Is that REALLY worth it? In my opinion, no! And then there's all this rubbish about "going to the best school". Of course you should find an institute where you feel comfortable, and the teachers are well equipped and aren't slackers, but that doesn't necessarily mean, everyone is cut out to get into Harvard! If you live in the states, I think it's a good option to consider state universities, or hell, even college! After you get a degree, find a job, save up, and go to a fancy smancy institute for your masters, or doctorates or PhDs!

My belief has always been, if you are smart, you'll do well anywhere you go! Or you could look into transferring... what I am basically saying is: there are always better options without breaking your bank! I just find it to be such rubbish advice to say you NEED to get into a good university to get a good job. I would only hope that my future employer is not so narrow-minded and daft to hold that ideology!

But then again... what the hell do I know??

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

If My Stomach Growls, It Means It's Time To Go.

I've spent the past three days consecutively at the public library, doing some in-dept research about my future. It's been about 5 hours since I've been sat here, browsing site after site, whilst listening to Spotify. I've made it a habit now, to come to the library on a full stomach so that I can power through long periods of time, without my stomach having something to say about my devotion.

My butt's beginning to hurt from resting in this spot, I've only taken 1 break to go move about, and that was only to parade to the washroom. I think it has a lot to also do with the seat I'm in. I actually really liked the seat I was in the first day I was here (conveniently located in the periodicals sections, although I wouldn't even bat an eye at the magazines since I'm so engrossed with my laptop). There is also another ideal location that I'm determined to seize by the window...yes, I'm just THAT picky. There are certain seats I want to sit at... and the fact that I'm left handed means I need enough space to write without having to share space with others, which is a feat in itself, since the vast majority of seats are paired, oh the problems of introverts (woe is me!).

I, very handily, created a 'to do' list as a reminder for myself, and as five hours have passed by, this list seems to be getting more boring, since I've spent a large chunk of my time doing one major task (the most important task to be fair). I also think my attention is waning because I'm beginning to feel hungry... I made sure to eat before I got here though, seeing as the library wasn't even open yet!!

On another note, for the past few months, the job market has been looking very grim. Well, for someone like me, whose looking for a kitchen job, that is! I absolutely cannot become a waitress, it's not because I think it's not a respectable job, but it's cause I don't like to deal with people. You know the type, those self entitled snobs, who think you are there to aid their every beck and call AKA: the delusional bunch. Those people just make me lose all sense of patience!

Well, gotta keep slaving a bit more, til I'm free to reward myself with some much deserved bubble tea!

Monday, September 8, 2014

My Life That Is A Constant Bout of Fail.

Wow, I just realize how terrible I am at keeping up with blog posting. I tried to compile a list of things to do in the next 1001 days, but I still haven't thought of 101 things to do in that time (the challenge/idea is called 101 things to do in 1001 days). So far I've only got 32 items down... but to be honest, I haven't been focusing on the idea since. I am always like that, I tend to get bouts of inspiration, then linger on the idea for a few days, if I'm lucky a week or two, and then something else sparks my interest. I don't think that's a very good way to proceed with ideas though... I think I lack the function of 'keeping up with what you start' yeesh. Speaking of keeping up, I tend to do very badly at keeping promises too. The beginning of this summer, I told my friend to have dinner with me and my friend, and to ask our mutual friend along too.. well, the other friend was actually excited for our supposed plans..but me being typical me, didn't follow through with my plans. He's probably gone by now anyway..back to studying at uni, while I type away my failures. Sigh. Some things never change.

To get a moments worth of sanity, I have fled from my sanctuary (my bedroom) to expose myself at the mercy of the public library.. I still don't know how I feel here, although, I do feel very happy that I found a sort of secluded section at some weird corner filled with elderly people. Oh well, beggars can't be picky! (Sanctuary reminds me Natalie Imbruglia..does anyone still remember her??? I only liked that one album of hers that I bought, back in the day when HMV was all the rage for me... I was a teenager with no computer, hence the need for physical albums to appease my appetite for music).  Seriously, my home has become this intense war fare between the three of us... I'm pondering if I should go into details....

I do have goals to achieve today at the library though, besides staying sane, and having a nice large space where I can roam like a zebra in the wild! (Is that even correct? I've long since stopped watching NatGeo). As something of interest to document on the web, I shall list out my 32 items that I've racked up onto my blog!

1. Bake my own bread
Oh goodness, I've wanted to bake bread for quite a while now.. I don't know if it is actually possible due to the state of my miserable oven! My mum actually bought it for me after I whined for a bit at the shop, cos I had this marvelous idea that I was gonna be some sort of Betty Crocker.... that never happened since I'm like the laziest sloth on the planet! Instead, what our lovely oven is doing is rotting atop the closet on our veranda. Plus it's quite tiny, not like those proper, amazing ovens that comes with your kitchen top... although I do want that as well...

2. Bake red velvet cupcakes
This is simply because I have fallen in looovvveee with red velvet!

3. Read all the books I have bought and have yet to read
Oh dear Buddha, this one is gonna take me ages! I kid you not, I probably have more than 20 excess books that are just filling up my space in my room. I am like the quintessential hoarder.. I buy stuff, cos at the moment it's so appealing and I convince myself that I'll be good and use it or read it or whatever the excuse needed would be. Don't get me wrong, I do love to read, and I was a massive bookworm when I was in middle school (when the work load wasn't insane! I think the fact that I was computer less helped too). But recently, I've sort of stopped reading...and it makes me kind of sleepy instead. Oh how the times have changed, the irony! But to be fair, I'm still able to stay engrossed in a well-written book, just the other month (when my last post was written), I read this book called 'The Vast Fields of Ordinary' by Nick Burd, and I finished it in two days, and felt on top of the world cos I felt I had redeemed my bookworm mojo back.. sadly I was led astray by my imagination, and what ended up happening was, the rest of the 7 other books that I had also picked up, were neglected in m rucksack, in the bleak corners of my room! I am the worst book worm ever! Now I'm like a Internet Parasite! Always having my eyes GLUED to my screened, or on my phone! WHAT HAS THIS AGE COME TO? I need help... and some sort of focus!

4. Declutter and live a minimalist lifestyle
I've recently been into a few things: the vegan lifestyle, and the minimalist life (which sort of go hand in hand). I've started to declutter my messy, tiny room, and in the end, created a sort of organized mess that my mother disapproved up, and in her instance to 'help me' made everything even more irritating by placing all the magazines and books into this container (yes, I was extremely annoyed). Then after a few days of gung-ho decluttering, I sort of stopped and allowed myself to live with the chaos... yeesh, we need to get back on that bandwagon ASAP!

5. Try out veganism
This goes hand-in-hand with point 4. I am not necessarily wanting to go into this lifestyle cause of animal cruelty or whatever, but more so because I want to better my life and my health! I see all these vegans, and they're always so positive and happy and dammit, I want that too! I don't think the transition will be too difficult actually, since the only meat I eat is chicken, and I'm a bit lactose intolerant (and I kind of dislike milk and cheese). I haven't been a big fan of dairy..unless it's like ice cream or something, which I'm sure I can find a healthier alternative too via veganism! I definitely DO NOT like eggs, they taste so gross! Not a big fan of butter, and thankfully peanut butter is not from an animal!!!

6. Create an active Youtube channel
I actually have a few.... cos I had this spark of inspiration that hit me, and I wanted to do different things and go places! I had a channel for my singing, which got abandoned, and I had a page for vlogs.. which failed after a few videos. I'm somewhat of a perfectionist (loosely), so before I created my content ideas, I wanted to branch them out... then I got bored of the idea and just abandoned it! Prior to these two channels, I had actually made a channel like 4 years ago, where I did post more than 2 videos! There was 1 rant about the language barriers in 852, and the rest were grainy quality videos of me doing cover songs! Fun fact: when I was younger, I actually wanted to become a singer!! Here's my damn abandoned channel if you are interested to hear me sing... (with crap quality microphones via my phone): https://www.youtube.com/user/Desertgirlinc

7. Create a vision board
This is cause I wanted some direction in my life, and the best way to envision success is to win it on a wall! No, but seriously, I thought it would seem more tangible that way...I still have yet to begin... but then I find cutting out magazine clippings to be annoying, so I'll probably make a really ugly virtual board.. it's the thought that counts right??

8. Throw out or donate all the things I don't use
Goes back to the point about minimalism, not owning more than you NEED! I'm tired of junk in my room, that stuff needs to get a stepping to the donation center!

9. 'Deactivate' Facebook
The only two websites I frequent 16/7 is Youtube and Facebook! I think the reason why I wrote this is because this social media site serves as a distraction, and I don't really gain anything from it... at least on Youtube, I can get inspiration and watch documentaries, which is faaarrr more educational than scrolling through the newsfeed. I also used to have a Tumblr.. but I didn't get the point of just reblogging... or just plain blogging, cause I've been with Blogspot a longgg time! I also don't find Twitter to be necessary, or Instagram... these sites are just derived from parts of Facebook... plus, I'd probably only have like 2 followers, waste of my damn time ya'll!

10. Make care packages for the homeless
Last winter, my friend and I thought it would be a good idea to buy those really bulky warm blankets for homeless people, typical me, we forgot about it til Spring came round.. I'm still interested in helping out the needy..and I wanted to start a funding program, so I could use the donations to buy stuff for the homeless that they can use ASAP, and not wait for some slow-a$$ organization to finish distributing costs. Things like shoes, toothbrushes, a backpack to keep their thangs, combs, soap, shampoo, the whole shebang! I'm just nervous that I won't make any money for them.. but it's better to have tried and failed, then to have not tried at all! Plus, look at how big the whole ALS campaign went! I could do one.. eat a can of tomato paste of help the homeless... could be the need awareness campaign! ALS, eat your heart out!

11. Start Hello Kitty collection
Cause Hello Kitty is my boo!

12. Learn to play the guitar
Before one of my friends left the 852, she decided to let me take care of her guitar in her absence! Since I've collected it, it's been just sitting next to my bookshelf, staring daggers into my soul! I really should learn to play it! When I was younger, I actually wanted a guitar, and my mum got me a shitty keyboard instead, cause she said guitars weren't feminine... there's nothing feminine about me playing twinkle twinkle little star on my dodgy keys..that too is collecting dust atop my computer desk! Aye! All the things collecting dust!! (CONSUMERIST!)

13. Give my mother flowers randomly
She's a classic old sourpuss, her name on my phone is listed as 'Grouchy Panda' cause that's what she is! Even little sourpuss needs a pick me up from time to time, although I can already foretell this idea backfiring on me! Aye, can't hurt to try...and hope I don't get a tongue lashing!

14. Make seasonal greeting cards
This is also one I've been meaning to do... thanks to Youtube inspiration! But those people are highly creative, in comparison to me, who is le sloth! I just wrote seasonal in case I got lazy (I actually wanted to do year round, but knowing me, I thought that would put me off the idea, so I decided to be stealthy... don't think it's gonna work though..aye, being a le sloth is a hard life!).

15. Save up money to go to Europe
The idea off backpacking has also recently sparked my interest, and I've always wanted to travel, but le sloth lives the life of obligations (that hardly get met) and desire to have a life that isn't filled with constant anxiety! I've actually wanted to go to Paris (an idea I've been lusting after for three years! It got mucho serious back in 2012 when I was seriously lusting after Paris! I've since simmered down)!

16. Learn to speak French
Cause le sloth wants to visit le france!

17. Start a 'professional' blog
This one has been on my mind for ages too! When I was in high school, I actually wanted to become a journalist, so the idea of becoming a blogger was very appealing. Like all things that strike my fancy, I abandoned the idea! Obviously this blog is just a side hobby when my brain remembers to post something... we shall see if I shall prevail!!

18. Journal everyday for a year
I used to be an avid writer, and used to journal everyday..then it stopped, cause my life was a bit boring..then I got a full-time job that took up most of my time.. excuses excuses! I seem to be a little out of touch from writing though... aye!

19. Give as much as I can to Operation: Christmas Child
I honestly thought there would be one in Hong Kong, but apparently, it was like a one-off collaboration thing with Samaritan's Purse...will have to look into it...if not, there's always World Vision!

20. Read 365 books in a year
This seems quite possible actually...doesn't it... (I just thought to myself 'yes, children's book'). Well okay, maybe 365 is high, but I can dream can't I? And besides, it's good to kick start old habits, like book wormery!

21. Make a scrapbook
I actually had this brilliant idea to do a summer scrapbook of 2014, but then I lead a dull life..I did create a virtual scrapbook, AKA: uploaded pictures onto my Facebook page! In a way, that is a scrapbook, it's just that I can't hold it physically..I actually thought of buying a printer for my phone, so I could stick it on a notebook.

22. Go watch live comedy
Gina Yashere was actually in Hong Kong sometime in the beginning of the year, and at the time, I was working for this prat and he cut my salary (quite unbeknowest to me) so I couldn't go, cause I was afraid that I wasn't financially safe... or as Suze Orman says, you are DENIED! This was gonna be an 'out of my comfort zone' experience too... I haven't been to the cinema in ages, probably like 5+ years... so I was going to use this opportunity to do something I've never done.. and it backfired! Damn you expectations!

23. Watch a movie in the cinema
As written in #22

24. Prepare emergency kit for the house
My house actually got flooded once.. and I remember leaving my room and going down to the gate-keeper with a towel wrapped round my head! Thankfully, I had a friend who lives like 5 minutes from my house, so I went over to hers and dried my hair. I did get stared at, and a woman made a point to sort of gawk at me in disbelief, which is stupid cause people in hair salons always step out with their hair in those plastic wraps to smoke a cig! Awe well!

25. Create a budget and stick with it
I am the WORST with money management! I cannot same a cent to save my life! I've gotten better this year though...and I spend time looking on Youtube about money saving and things pertaining to that nature!

26. Write a book of poetry & try to get it published
I used to hate poetry...til I started seriously writing it. I don't know if I'm profound enough to be published though.. perhaps I'll publish some poetry on this blog one day.

27. Reach 160lbs by Dec. 2014
Oh bend and snap! It's already September...

28. Write down every dream I have for a week
Whenever people mention a 'dream journal', I take the term 'dream' to mean 'possible long term goals for future'  not 'what I dreamt last night'. So I intend to keep a journal of whatever crazy idea fills my head for possible future profession?

29. Prepare emergency fund
Cause you never know.

30. Make my own almond butter
Which is SUPER easy..I just need a food processor!

31. Watch ALL the movies I own
Like my unread books, this has gotten out of hand!

AND FINALLY...
32. Organize my Youtube favorites list and reduce
Which I have done, but not completely!

So here we go, my goals and the reasons.... I feel sleepy now.. geez, can't escape it, even at the public library!


Tuesday, August 5, 2014

An Honest Look At the Past Two Years.

**I meant to post this up before my other post....

So it's been like two years since I have even set foot on this blog. To be honest, I had completely forgotten about it, and I only really 'stumbled' back upon it today, cos I was gonna start a new blog.
Two years... man it's been a damn long time! A lot has definitely changed.

I was actually reading what I wrote on my last entry, and I seemed like such a depressed kid. And I was. I was battling with my inner demons, and December of 2011 was the worst hit of my life. Since then, I've gotten better. Never really went to a doctor to 'fix me' cause fuck that, they can't fix my mental state of being, and I'm not about to become a pill popper. I got more introspective, I guess you could say. All I know is that being depressed fucking sucked, and I wanted to just wallow in self pity all day long cos of stupid bullshit a and stupid bullshit b.. you know how life is sometimes. I actually think my doctor noticed that I was missing a part of myself, cos during one visit when I went alone, he asked me how I thought about life and I just said it was fine or whatever, I think he could sense a sort of melancholy from me. I was a very melancholic child growing up, and I still am now, but I'm getting better. It's sort of fucked up from I live in the first world and I feel miserable as all hell, and there are children suffering from abuse, malnutrition, poverty, war-striken, homeless, parentless, neglected, and here I am dissatisfied with my life. Truly a first world problem. That's not to knock down people's problems though. People suffer in different ways, and people suffer silently... either way pain is pain, we can't measure sugar and salt all in one go, cos they're two different things. That's how I feel anyway, but in retrospect, my problems aren't really 'problems' but more of a sense of lostness that I feel about myself. It's been two years, and I haven't gotten any closer to realizing what the hell I want to do with my life.

The last post, I addressed my shit job... to be honest, it wasn't a shit job, it was a great experience for a first-timer, especially since that was my very first job. It was quite fantastic, minus the a-hole boss' father, who'd keep saying this and that. I really hated him, and he was super biased. There was this one girl who worked there and he seemed to favor her, and she'd do something wrong or she wouldn't really work and he pretended like he didn't see her flaws. Bitch please. I remember one time, I was so mad, I actually TOLD HIM to his shriveled up onion face that she was just nonsense and she hadn't done her job properly and why wasn't he chastising her and making her stay after? In return, he began to lecture ME, as if I was the dumbass who didn't know how to do jackshit at job. Bitch please, I know what I'm doing. I don't give respect to those undeserving of it, and he wasn't deserving of it. My boss on the other hand, was a nice chap, and he seemed kinda lost at times... but he was better than the shriveled onion face. Anyway, karma's a bitch cos both their shops closed down.

As the final month came, I remember I had a massive crush on this boy I was working with, and I knew he liked me too (didn't hurt that his friend blatantly told me that he fancied me). It was the most pathetic moment of my life, we both liked each other and we both did jackshit. He actually conjured up this story with his friend saying to me that he had a girlfriend, I remember I was kinda hurt and pissed off. But they kept at it saying that he's got a girlfriend and whatever else. He actually told my co-worker friend that he was just laying to me. At that time he was pissed off at me too, for whatever godforsaken reason that I didn't understand, cos he'd REFUSE to talk to me, and he'd talk to my friend, and to be honest, it made me a bit jealous cos I thought he was my friend too and he was being sort of flirtatious and a jerk to me. In the end, he did talk to me, I forgot why... and the reason he was mad at me was apparently cos I wouldn't really strike up a conversation with him, besides asking about work, and I was like really friendly to his friend and he prob thought I had a crush on his friend... so all in all, he was just jealous. It's kinda sad though, cos I had this stupid expectation that on the last day, something was gonna happen and nothing happened and I was like super disappointed but I tried to persuade my mind to think otherwise and I was like 'don't worry, he'll ask you to hang out' bullocks. That never happened. Funny thing is I met him at the bus station once like 6 months back when I was still working...wait that was probably more like 8 months back, and I bumped into him as I was waiting there and he struck up a shy conversation. It was sort of strange, all that time that passed and he was still the shy boy that I remembered. Even after all that time, he seemed to have a hard time talking to me, it was kinda strange... oh well, he had the chance to ask me out.

I sort of fell in love twice since 2012. I fell harder the second time.
The first one was with a guy who was like my boyfriend. Well... he was my boyfriend, I suppose. But it wasn't like a real intense relationship, even though I wanted it to be something serious, cos I was enamored by him. He had this certain charm to him, that made me attract to him, like a moth to a flame. And he was tall, which I like. He smoked, which I didn't like. And people doubted that a guy like him, could like a girl like me. Those people are just shallow twats. I don't know if he loved me though, although one time when I was on the phone with him at the metro, I sort of heard him saying "I love you" and then I asked "what??" and he didn't repeat himself... so I dunno. The relationship didn't last long, cos I felt like he didn't care about me, and people said he was just using me. To be fair, I don't think he was ready for a relationship either. Plus people said he was like a player.... who knows. All I know is that I was honest, and if he wasn't, then shame's on his conscious, not mine. That relationship lasted about a month til it fizzled to ashes.

Then I liked another guy, whom I thought fancied me too, and he was giving off this vibe like he was. Apparently not, cos that asshole had a girlfriend who pretended to be my friend. She never seemed to like me that much though. Whatever, karma's a bitch, bitch. Even now, she seems apprehensive about my existence. At times, I've sort of wondered if I should attempt to be nice to her, but to be honest, dishonest people like her don't deserve my kindness, so she can very kindly fuck off. Her boyfriend on the other hand is all sort of weird. There's been a couple of times when he will acknowledge my existence and say hi and mundane shit like that, sometimes I'm like an invisible being to him. I guess similarities attract each other.  Even though he's been with her for like 2 years, he still won't admit he's taken. He's a real keeper! I don't get men like him.

I FINALLY got a new phone after like what two years with my old smartphone, which was a galaxy ace, a gift from my dad's friend. It was an alright phone, not top of the line, and died rather quickly battery wise. But I didn't have wifi on it or anything, but if I watched a video, the battery just went to hell. The only reason I got to buy a new smartphone is cos I stupidly spilled coke on my ace & couldn't save it, so goodbye old phone, hello g2! The new phone's pretty sweet, the battery still dies relatively quickly cos I make the screen quite bright to watch YouTube on, it's fantastic though and I probably won't ever upgrade unless this phone also goes to hell. (Hopefully not a tragic death like my ace).

There's been a few guys chasing me too, and I've been assholes to all of them. There was this one guy, who was sweet, and kept asking me to dinner (we lived nearby). I met him at the bus station, and I was like fuck it, we meet people at the strangest of places. Plus everyone's a stranger right? He seemed cool, so I talked to him, gave him my number. We met a few times, but I started getting the vibe he was into me, cos he'd always ask if I had a boyfriend, and at the time, I was chasing after my boyfriend (we were just close friends at the time, but I knew I fancied him a bit). I started getting a bit freaked out (as is my regular response when a guy fancies me, probably from shock that anyone finds me attractive). Anyway, I kept postponing our hangouts and one day he spotted me at work, he seemed sad, but still hopeful I guess. He was a sweetheart, and I was kind of a jerk, and kind of surprised and he still wanted to meet up and stuff, and I don't know what happened, I sort of ignored him. At the time, my friend was moving to another city and I was feeling confused about my life and I was fancying someone else and it was complicated cos his friend fancied me, and I guess I didn't have enough headspace to give a shit about someone else that I didn't really know. That's on me, for being a bitch, and I do feel bad and recently I tried to contact him again after ignoring him for like 2 years... I guess it was a guilt thing? Needless to say, I got no response from him, that's well deserving on my part. But I actually bumped into him on the street once, as I was scrolling through my Facebook feed on the street. I saw this tall guy, very tan, sort of staring in my direction and I thought it was weird. Then I realized he was glaring at me and I was wondering what his problem was, but I looked up for a brief glance and smiled and kept walking. After I looked down I sort of realized I knew that guy, and he was the guy I sort of snubbed for 2 years... I deserved that glare. Poor chap. He was also a converted Christian boy... well I hope all is well for him.

There was also another boy who I sort of didn't really care for, or was that nice to. That was because at the time, I fancied another guy.. who is the second guy I fell in love with. It's been I think a year and a half since I met my second love....
Let's talk about that -segue-

I guess this is bordering on really personal, but I don't really keep 'secrets' cos I think they're just pretense bullshit insecurities in a way. Like how big can your secret be... unless you killed someone... in which case you should go to prison. But for us regular folk, what great extent could our secret be? It seems a bit pretentious. I'm sort of an open book type of person anyway.

***It was getting late that day (I wrote this like three days ago) and I guess I felt too tired to continue writing and fell asleep or distracted. If I remember too, I will continue.



Not A Good Morning.

Tuesday was SUPPOSED to be a relaxing day, cos it's the one day 'off' I get per week.
I have some qualms to talk about. Can I just talk about it for a minute? Okay? Okay. I don't know if I used qualms correctly in this sentence, but let's just go with it.

So this morning started off with my mother YELLING at me to get up. It was only half past seven. I don't understand those kids that can to sleep in til 11am or wake up mid day whenever the hell they feel like it. Even when I used to work during the night, and get home at like 6am, I still got woken up at like 11am..so basically like 5 hours of sleep, cos if I left work at 6, it'd take about an hour to get home.... I DON'T GET IT.
I slept at 1am last night, and then I got woken up at half seven. Actually, I got woken up earlier than that cause I had to switch off my AC before mom complained YET AGAIN. I swear, she just finds reasons to make sure I wake up, and as a consequence of inadequate sleep, I feel sleepy the rest of the day. So that's my morning routine. And because she constantly pisses me off to wake me up, I am already have a bad start to the damn day. What is this bullshit that I'm supposed to 'change my mentality'. Oh I'm sorry, did you live with someone raging on your EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING. to wake up? Did you experience that and channel in that negative energy exuded from your mom and used it during morning meditation to help you gain clarity?? DID YOU? Cos I didn't.

So I wake up annoyed, and that's not enough, because then she finds a hundred thousand other reasons to be pissed off and is telling me all these things while I try to block her out by watching YouTube videos on my phone. Occasionally she will yell very loudly for me to listen to her, cos she probably noticed me not giving a crap.
It's the same ol stuff. Vacuum the floor. Mop the floor. Wash the clothes. Do this do that. Blablablah. I don't actually feel inspired to do any of those things. It might be partially my very acute laziness, and it might also be the fact that she interrupts my sleep every day, so I feel pissed off waking up. Not sure about you, but that isn't exactly "power of persuasion".

Then there's my father, whose only main concern is for me to become 'slim'. It's not even healthy and fit. It's SLIM. When did it become so dangerously common for everyone to look the same? I'm not against being thin or anything, and yeah, I wanna be thin... but I don't wanna be skinny thin, I wanna be healthy thin in a fit manner, and yes there is a difference. People can be anorexic and 'skinny' but not necessarily healthy. There are skinny fat people, which is just as bad as being fat. Skinny people can develop bad health, just as overweight people can. I think we need to find a good equilibrium here.

Then there's the fact that I go to the gym every day. My dad and I made this deal (quite a bad deal might I add). It started like about five months ago, sometime in like February, after I had just quit my latest job cos the boss is all sorts of confused about what he wants, cos apparently he wasn't achieving it. I digress.
So there was this brilliant plan constructed by my dad, I had no part or longing to agree to it, and I didn't agree to it for the longest time. I'm kinda shooting myself in the foot right now for that, cos it's been the worst five to six months of my life, besides that especially one horrible case of depression I felt a few winters ago.

Anyway, so the plan was for me to not go to work and work on my health and fitness and whatever. In the beginning it was good. I was all pumped for it, and was like 'hell yeah, gonna be a fit bitch!' However, the story doesn't continue in a good direction. I was pumped for it, I started charting shit and reading up how to be healthy and exercises and what to do and how long I would spend doing each thing, and basically prepping myself to be hot damn. The problem with one person trying to do everything in a perfect manner is that you soon burn out from overwhelming yourself, which is usually what I do. So I got overwhelmed a bit, but I wasn't completely deterred from my original goal & I was still gunning for gold. Anyway, the month passed and money was tight boo. I think in the first month, I didn't really take care of myself too well, or my financial state of mind, cos I was spending too much money. Over the past 2 years of working, I've gotten into the habit of spending like money ain't a thing, and that rubbed off negatively on me when my paycheck started to get lower. By lower, I mean, my dad wasn't me nearly as much as I would be getting if I had gotten a job, but you know, I was like that's cool, cos all I had to do was workout, eat right and become fit. Simple enough right? Wrong. Because I had more money before, I was used to spending money, and eating out all the damn time, and now that my income was lower, I still had that habit and still had the urge to go out and eat ALL. THE. TIME.

Anyway, I feel like it's a waste of time, continuing on that long ass sob story.

The point is... I agree with what my dad says about being more serious about fitness and whatnot. What I don't agree with is his damn approach. Apparently I'm not working out hard enough cos I listen to music while I'm working. WHAT THE HELL ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? Workout in silence? Or while I'm listening to the horrible songs that the gym selects? They have TVs at the gym too, but it's all on mute with subtitles I can't read. The other option is to people watch, which I do anyway, cos it's a default reaction. He says I need to sweat like there's no tomorrow (basically) so that I can become slim. The problem that I have with him is, all he cares about is being slim. It's always slim this, slim that and he's just harping me all the time cos I never look like I lost weight and whatever. I did lose weight tho, but not like 50 pounds or whatever. I think he thinks that by this point in time, I should've lost a lot more weight than I actually have in the past 6 months. If you follow the guidelines provided by the health people, apparently what 2lbs per month is good? So I should've lost 12 pounds by now right?

To be fair to him, I sort of agree with his sentiment of impatience with the gain loss thang, but then again, it's cos every damn month, I need to be concerned about if I have money. If I don't have money, how in the hell am I supposed to go out and get groceries to eat healthy? Part of the reason for my failure is because every month, I don't have enough. Perhaps it's cos I spend my money in a bad way and because I like to eat out a lot, and that's my bad. But he doesnt' tell me when I'm gonna get paid, so it's like I'm pinching pennies all the time, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or if I should cook at home. But I eat out cos of convenience and it's not like I'm hitting up McDonalds and Burger King everyday. I go to eat at restaurants that charge triple what a McDonalds meal cost, so I'm over here dying, partially cos of my stupidity. Old habits die hard ya'll.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... I have no idea in hell what I'm doing with my life. Better start looking for a proper job again. Oh mundanity, we shall meet again.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Up On Melancholy Hill

Tuesday.

I woke up late and I got to work late again for the third time.
I got pissed at the lady who hands out fliers because I'm impatient. I don't think she likes me very much either.
I was mad at the boys for not coming on time, and I got even more pissed when they arrived three hours late.
They were late because of a devestation. I was still mad regardless. Maybe I'm too cold-hearted? But I ended up 'forgiving' them.
I wondered why the other boy didn't speak to me.
I wondered if I did something wrong.
I felt self-conscious.
I sprayed too much perfume, and I still feel any better.
I went to see him... that boy with expectations.
My expectations were soon destroyed.
I left with anger.
I felt stupid.
I felt pitiful.
I wanted to kick myself.
I feel like I lost a chance at something.
I'm thinking too much.
Why doesn't he like me?
Why doesn't he like me?
Why doesn't he like me?
I return.
The person I loathe is there.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.

I try to tell people what I feel is accurate.
I'm pretty sure they think I'm silly.
I am...
Just stupid.

I try to feel better,
But now I feel tired
And angry
And sad
And like crying
Because I feel so hopeless
So hopeless.
I'm going to go sleep now.

My heart aches.
My heart aches.
My heart aches.