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Friday, January 23, 2015

Boring Life.

If January is any indication of how the rest of my year is going to be, I'm basically effed. It's already the twenty-third of the first month of the new year, and I'm stuck on square one. So has anything changed in the last 365 days? I think not!

Where was I last year? Getting duped by this Chinese-Canadian a-hole, who thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. Deluded people grind my gear. About a year ago this time, I was looking forward to setting out of my comfort zone, and was presented with a chance to watch Gina Yashere live! I didn't end up going because of financial reasons (mainly the point that said Chinese-Canadian a-hole robbed me of about a quarter of my salary). This year, Ms. Yashere returned, and I had a chance to watch her...which I opted out of. Mostly because I had this irrational fear of not knowing what to do when I went to watch her. Am I supposed to order something to eat? Would I seated with a stranger? You know, typical hard-hitting, journalist questions, that most rational people would not even care about. I am a special kind of weird. I could have just been like 'screw it!' and be done with it, but no, my brain likes to over-analyze, so I over-analyzed and ended up not going. Here's how I rationalized not buying the tickets for the first show. If I change my mind, I could always buy a ticket for another day, since she's going to be here for a few days. Which ended up with, nahh, I'll just stay home. Choices, choices.

So twenty-three days into the new year, what have I achieved? NOTHING. ZERO. ZIP. NADA. Is there a more hopeless case? Since the year has started, I've left my dodgy job and remained unemployed for most of the month. I could start looking for another job, but is going from one shit zone, to the next really the right answer? We need money to survive, and people compromise for their livelihood, I just bitch about it on my blog.

How is it fair that people get popular for stupid things, and talentless hacks become famous, while people who actually want to make a change get rejected? But then again, no one ever said the world was fair, I suppose.

What am I supposed to do with my day? Going to prison must be hellish. You are locked up, stripped away from your freedom, and enforced the rules of the prison. But then again, you probably deserved it if you're doing criminal acts. But can you fathom... sitting in a tiny cell, with one other person. The toilet being a few meters away from you, as well as the sink, and all your bedding and whatnot. Doesn't seem too hygienic.

I don't have much else to bitch about, except the fact that I'm going out of my mind leading this boring ass life! I suppose I should do something. I mean, my mornings are productive. I wake up, go exercise, come back, tidy the house, make my lunch and smoothie, take a shower and lock myself in my room, wondering what I'm doing with my life.

Speaking of waking up, I set TWO alarms last night, and this morning, I slept through both of them. What the hell!

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Despondence.

Another dreary day. I did however wake up early today. (I also slept quite early last night). I don't think I had a good night's sleep, because I found myself waking up 3 or 4 times during the night and being paranoid, I checked my phone to see what time it was. I think it's because I'm used to sleeping at around half past two in the morning, so sleeping at ten did me no favors. Anyway, I did wake up at around 6am, and sat there in the darkness replying to texts sent to me, and checking Facebook. I don't think waking up and immediately checking your phone is good for you. The point is, it's now almost noon and I feel sleepy.

I did feel a tad bit productive thought. Woke up at six, by half seven or so, I went out the door and went to exercise. I probably looked like a slob, but why would I shower before a workout (or is that just me?). So I went to the park and climbed the slope and walked up and down about six times, did some stair climbing and did some step up exercises. I did feel a little refreshed after completing my workout, and decided to put that energy into good use.

I came home, made some pasta, did the laundry, vacuumed the floor, took a shower and drank my fruit juice that I made last night. Overall it was pretty productive. While I ate my breakfast (which consisted of a bowl of strawberries and a large apple, after my fruit juice and my granola bar) I watched the rest of season 1 of Supernatural. Then I started to feel a bit panicked about the fact that I'm still unemployed and should probably start actively searching for a job, rather than face the prospect of being penniless. Hence, bleak existence. Is this was your 20s are supposed to be about, uncertainty, doubt and annoyance? All I can think about is the fact that it's 2015, and I'm where I was in 2011.

I had wanted to take a hiatus from school, and focusing on 'finding myself' (which unfortunately took 3 bloody years) and I'm still back at square fucking one. What can I do except find a stable job, save money, and apply for a school to get a damned degree and hope to Jesus that I can actually find a sustainable job once I'm through? Yeah, totally living life to the fullest.

I always try to write about something positive, but it inevitably ends up become a shit storm of boo-hoo I have so many problems. It's like a pity party online. But I guess no one really cares. I mean, I guess it could have been worse. I could have AIDs or cancer or some radical tumor that depleted my body and it shut down and I had about a month to live. THAT would be cause for sorrow and should draw pity from people. I guess my problems are able to be solved, but I just feel despondent at the moment.

I have yearned for independence for a long time, probably since the age of 16, and look at me now, in my early twenties stuck at home, feeling miserable, jobless and degree less. I've always wanted to become a professional, but I'm just a dud. I believe in myself and my potential and my brain's ability to be helpful, but right now it's like my entire being is just tired. Tired of all the bullshit, tired of being a failure, and tired of always wanting and never receiving. It's like everything and everyone has abandoned me.

I just want to lay down on my bed and sleep away my sorrows. But life's not easy.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Future Prospects

After my last purge blog, I think it would be best if I actually wrote a blog post that has some substance. (It probably won't though).

So what I had planned for my future was to move across the pond and go study in Europe; potentially the Netherlands or France. What I want to study is hotel management for a while, and transition into entrepreneurship, because I want to own my own business and be my own boss (also because I am not the best when it comes to people bossing me around, and also because most of those people have no common sense, but I digress). So I had this notion that I was just going to move across the pond, when I got accepted, except for the fact that I'm NOT moving (yet) and I'm still stuck in this dingy city.

I am sooo over this city. Just the thought of it makes me roll my eyes. People are always fawning over this city, as if it were an original idea (which it's not). It's just a mess of pretense, and the times when they do try to be original, it's very sub-par (in my opinion).

So what's happening instead, is that I'm staying here, and I'm going to apply for a diploma course and then transferring (hopefully) to a school in Europe, and hopefully finishing my bachelor there. Afterwards, I'm hoping to find a great internship, and landing a job, so I can save up to study for my masters degree. And then we'll see where it all goes from there.

But then....

What if this isn't what I'm passionate about? I'm not passionate about hotel studies, or the hotel industry. I just appreciate the luxury of it. I'm not a people person by nature, although I can be extroverted.

My ideal job would probably be to travel around the world and write my experiences about it, or to video it and post it on YouTube. I guess that would kind of be like working for a company like Lonely Planet or NatGeo? Maybe it's also because I'm still in my 20s and the idea of travel is like this awesome glimmer of something better then sitting in a cubicle leading a 9-5 job.

I see these business people milling about in the business district, which is composed of 'professionals' like lawyers, business people, bankers (mostly) and you see them cavorting on a Friday night, probably talking about the banality of their lives, filled with people who do stupid stuff that they then save for a social outing to complain about. Or worst case scenario, getting drunk and making out with random strangers they met around the pub-like areas (this actually happened when I worked at a night shift job, near the bars). You hold this business demeanor, until it's 'acceptable' (to a certain degree) to be wild. Well, it's still unprofessional, and you're only making yourself look like a floozy or a playboy (I guess would be the male equivalent).


Anyway, that wasn't the intention of my blog post.
But the future looks bleak at this moment.

Rant About "Real Life" + Excuse My French

So I'm back to Blogsville after another unintentional hiatus. Well, it's the New Year, and this year, I had a feeling was going to be awesome! I still think its going to be super fabulous....just as soon as discover what the eff I'm going to do.

Here's the problem with me: I am an over-thinker! Anyone else got that problem? My last post was back in September, and at that time, I was full of hopes and expectations. Expectations are deadly (and a waste of time). I had this grand idea that I was going to move away to Europe and get my degree and land a great internship, but because of circumstances that's not going to happen as I planned. Instead, I'm still stuck in this (what I like to think of it as a) deadbeat city. Sure, we're trying to be this great metropolitan, chic city, but in all honesty, this place is a cheap imitation of Western society.

I also noticed my hair in the mirror yesterday. At a public washroom *cringe*. My hair is falling out. Mostly due to a combination of stress and a bad diet. I've been trying to get a more balanced diet, but old habits die hard (excuses?). I also invariably hypothesize that if I moved out (something I've been wanting to do since I was 18), I would be thriving rather than sitting on my ass, blogging about stupid first world problems that I have. I just want independence. My mom begs to differ. She thinks, that if I were to live on my own, I wouldn't survive. HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? Maybe I could have been the next Mark Zuckerberg by this time!

I've also noticed a chance in myself, I've become more introverted. Introverted as in, disliking people to the point of wanting to isolate myself in my bedroom. Even when I'm at home, I just like to be left alone (which is why I sit with my door closed and locked). I don't like to disturbed or talked to, I don't care to be engaged in your insignificant conversation. It's not like anyone ever really talks about anything that really matters. Take this blog post for example. All I'm talking about is my boring life and the lack of success I find, which leads to more blog posts whining about my problems, that can probably be solved with a little resolve to actually achieve something in my life, besides failing miserably!

People always ask that question: what would you do if you didn't have anything holding you back. Well, I'd probably just travel around the world doing my own thing, and not worry about holding down a tedious job to help pay for everything, while simultaneously trying to balance my future life by finding a course and applying for universities and hoping I get a degree and afterwards landing a job. Step 1 to professional me. Which in all honestly, is still a gamble, because who knows if I'm going to enjoy my chosen field of work? What if I HATE it? What if I don't get a job placement and I end of penniless? Does anybody else worry about these things besides me? Or am I being wayyyy too practical for my own good?

I mean think about it, you spend most of your childhood and adolescence (unless you drop out in 6th grade) spending time studying useless shit. Unless you're going to  into the field of Science of Math, what purpose does trigonometry or cell count do for us? Or finding 'x' or 'y' (I may feel some hatred towards these subjects, because I wasn't very good at them, nor found them interesting at the time). They are more like..hobby courses. You COULD potentially be interested in them. But what about the rest of us who want to be artists? Yeah, I'll measure the circumference of my easel as I paint. (Ironically, I also do not paint). Then AFTER you're done with all this, and you graduate and try to socialize with people, who may end up not being in your life after the first year of graduation....you go to university. Oh and during the last 2 or 3 years of high school, you need to start preparing yourself for what you want to do with your life, while also balancing fun courses such as Biology, Linguistics, Math, Chemistry, and potentially some AP courses if you're a high achiever. Oh and don't forget the fun fact, that universities are a LOT of money, and most kids take out loans which take a hell of a long time to pay back, and if you can't pay it back, they take interest, which in return costs more money then you could make in your pointless field of study. Or not pointless if you actually do something useful...like find the cure for cancer. (Which, I doubt the medical industry would allow anyway, because they need to leech off of sick people to earn money to line their pockets).


What I'm trying to say is, what's the point of all this? Am I bitter about it? Not really, even though it comes across that way. But that's just reality. It's not all sunshine and roses. We aren't going to a bloody barbecue and we most definitely are not going to bond over a bonfire singing Kumbaya.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Feeling Less Hopeful.

I have issues.

I was so hopeful and confident yesterday (or the last few days actually) and now I feel like it might not be possible! Ignorance is bliss?
Now I'm worried about visa applications (what if they won't approve my visa?), the cost (no wonder people feel so despondent), and then even if those are okay, what about admission (what if NO ONE accepts me into their school???). This is enough to drive anyone insane... well besides the fact that most kids in high school do feel the same way.

I don't get why this has to be so intense! And more over, it's really depressing to think that NO ONE IS GOING TO ACCEPT ME!!! Besides the fact that I wanna go study in the EU...and the cost of living is a little intense (AKA: bloody expensive!).

And it's raining too..which is not helping my damn mood. And I'm hungry, so I'm a little bit more peeved. This whole process is annoying...when I grow up, I can see myself hiring an assistant to deal with my problems! Sacre blue!!!

There's nothing else to write besides the fact that I now feel stressed the hell out, I'm hungry and sleepy.
Dammit.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

It's Good to Find Direction In Life.

The one thing I never understand for teenagers is the immediate need to go to university after graduate. Of course there are always those above average kids, who've had goals since they began school, with a clear view of what they want for themselves in the distant future, but then again, there is a large group of kids who just go to university with no end goal (besides graduating) and dive head first into the unknown.

Sure, it's exciting! Finally INDEPENDENCE! Freedom from your mom's daily nags about this and that, but then again, you do pay the price for your independence. Just cause you want it, doesn't mean you are ready for it sweetheart! Have you seen those wreckless teens who out go and binge out every night, and let their grades slip away? Sacré bleu mon ami! 

What a waste of time! (Surely I can't be the only one who views it that way!) Money doesn't just grow on trees, and cascade down into your pocket, like leaves withering from the trees! I feel like a lot of teens waste their first year, and slip away and end up doing horribly in school (or not to their potential!).

I, on the other hand, took a different approach! I decided that I was going to take time of from school, having just recently graduated, and focus on getting a job! It's been three years since I've left school, and I've finally decided it's time to go back! What's with the immediate rush to go through school? Most kids who leave high school are about aged 17 or 18, you take a 4 year course to get your bachelors in whatever degree you want, and then, if you so decide, continue your education. I've seen kids that I've known already graduate, and go on to get their masters or whatever....they don't really stop to work, or decide to do both. While it is good to get a good education, IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT! One of the things that I vowed to never let happen was, slip into debt! What is all this rubbish about "student loans" LOANS ARE THE THINGS THAT GOT US INTO A RECESSION PEOPLE! I had an english teacher in high school, in her late twenties, married, and still paying off her debt! Let's say for example she was 22 when she graduated, got her degree in English, and proceeded to land a job at where I studying to become my English teacher a few years later. I think it had been at least a couple of years since she graduated that she landed the job at my school. But even then, how long does it take to get rid of debt?

Debt is just one of those kinds of things that makes me uneasy, cause you're bound to lose money if you can't repay them and incur massive amounts of interests? Is that REALLY worth it? In my opinion, no! And then there's all this rubbish about "going to the best school". Of course you should find an institute where you feel comfortable, and the teachers are well equipped and aren't slackers, but that doesn't necessarily mean, everyone is cut out to get into Harvard! If you live in the states, I think it's a good option to consider state universities, or hell, even college! After you get a degree, find a job, save up, and go to a fancy smancy institute for your masters, or doctorates or PhDs!

My belief has always been, if you are smart, you'll do well anywhere you go! Or you could look into transferring... what I am basically saying is: there are always better options without breaking your bank! I just find it to be such rubbish advice to say you NEED to get into a good university to get a good job. I would only hope that my future employer is not so narrow-minded and daft to hold that ideology!

But then again... what the hell do I know??

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

If My Stomach Growls, It Means It's Time To Go.

I've spent the past three days consecutively at the public library, doing some in-dept research about my future. It's been about 5 hours since I've been sat here, browsing site after site, whilst listening to Spotify. I've made it a habit now, to come to the library on a full stomach so that I can power through long periods of time, without my stomach having something to say about my devotion.

My butt's beginning to hurt from resting in this spot, I've only taken 1 break to go move about, and that was only to parade to the washroom. I think it has a lot to also do with the seat I'm in. I actually really liked the seat I was in the first day I was here (conveniently located in the periodicals sections, although I wouldn't even bat an eye at the magazines since I'm so engrossed with my laptop). There is also another ideal location that I'm determined to seize by the window...yes, I'm just THAT picky. There are certain seats I want to sit at... and the fact that I'm left handed means I need enough space to write without having to share space with others, which is a feat in itself, since the vast majority of seats are paired, oh the problems of introverts (woe is me!).

I, very handily, created a 'to do' list as a reminder for myself, and as five hours have passed by, this list seems to be getting more boring, since I've spent a large chunk of my time doing one major task (the most important task to be fair). I also think my attention is waning because I'm beginning to feel hungry... I made sure to eat before I got here though, seeing as the library wasn't even open yet!!

On another note, for the past few months, the job market has been looking very grim. Well, for someone like me, whose looking for a kitchen job, that is! I absolutely cannot become a waitress, it's not because I think it's not a respectable job, but it's cause I don't like to deal with people. You know the type, those self entitled snobs, who think you are there to aid their every beck and call AKA: the delusional bunch. Those people just make me lose all sense of patience!

Well, gotta keep slaving a bit more, til I'm free to reward myself with some much deserved bubble tea!