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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Up On Melancholy Hill


I woke up late and I got to work late again for the third time.
I got pissed at the lady who hands out fliers because I'm impatient. I don't think she likes me very much either.
I was mad at the boys for not coming on time, and I got even more pissed when they arrived three hours late.
They were late because of a devestation. I was still mad regardless. Maybe I'm too cold-hearted? But I ended up 'forgiving' them.
I wondered why the other boy didn't speak to me.
I wondered if I did something wrong.
I felt self-conscious.
I sprayed too much perfume, and I still feel any better.
I went to see him... that boy with expectations.
My expectations were soon destroyed.
I left with anger.
I felt stupid.
I felt pitiful.
I wanted to kick myself.
I feel like I lost a chance at something.
I'm thinking too much.
Why doesn't he like me?
Why doesn't he like me?
Why doesn't he like me?
I return.
The person I loathe is there.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.

I try to tell people what I feel is accurate.
I'm pretty sure they think I'm silly.
I am...
Just stupid.

I try to feel better,
But now I feel tired
And angry
And sad
And like crying
Because I feel so hopeless
So hopeless.
I'm going to go sleep now.

My heart aches.
My heart aches.
My heart aches.
It's past 12, and I am so terribly pitiful.
This is my life. I only have hopes and wants and wishes which seem unattainable. I live in a reality and that reality surrounds me and often tells me that I am incorrect.
I don't know whom to believe, or whether to smile, laugh, cry or just sleep it all away.
I don't want to hold on to truth, because it's like a boiling water, scalding my skin.

I can just lay it out in front of you: I am wasting time.
I am sleepy.
And I feel anxious.

I waited the entire day to visit him, and the outcome was massive disappointment. I left with just this deep-rooted sadness that I tried to shrug off.
He was there and I didn't dare look at him, but I so desperately wanted to. And I wanted to talk with him and make him laugh and keep his smile all to myself.
But the reality is that I am way too embarrassed to admit to him that I fancy him. I do not know him at all, except that I want him to be a part of something with me.

I don't know why I do this to myself. This is just pain etching it's scars on my heart.
I am exhausted by the chase, when I'm the one running and running for something invisible.

Can somebody just knock sense into me?

Monday, August 6, 2012

Call Me Maybe?

I have come to the grave realization that happiness makes me sad.
Or at least sad when I'm feeling miserable about my own reality.
It's past 12 and I have work tomorrow morning and I really do not give a crap.

I was brushing my teeth earlier and I some toothpaste dribbled down my chin and landed on my shirt, so I splashed water onto my shirt and now there's a damp area in the center.
It's like how I feel.
Sort of incomplete.

In a way, I do feel completely pathetic. I feel like my vocabulary is way too limited for me to correctly convey all these emotions fumbling around into my head. I just know that I want to write, and I want to express my sorrow.

I've been gone for too long haven't I? But then again, who am I disappointing? The emptines or the tumbleweed?
Why am I back?
Because................ I have fallen for a boy.
Just this boy with a great smile, who melts my heart, and who confuses me. Okay, I'll be honest, my heart cannot decide, and I do like more than one boy, but it's just... this one boy in particular just seems to consume my thoughts.
Day in and day out, and all I ever want to ask to anybody who cares to listen is "DOES HE LIKE ME!?"

Is it impossible?
Am I too ugly?
Am I not enough?
Does he have a girlfriend?
Or am I overthinking something that shouldn't be this complicated.

That's the thing with me, I always try to categorize things. Even emotions.
It always has to be placed somewhere.
These feelings of mine, contrasted with what I assume he thinks, which just isn't good enough because it's inaccurate.
I am not infallible.
I cannot read minds.
I am struggling
And suffocating, while earnestly needing some sort of reassurance.

But whenever someone tells me what I want to hear, it seems sarcastic.
It seems like something they want me to know, so that I will shut up about this one monotonmous topic that may bore them.

But perhaps I am being too harsh to my friends.
Maybe they do mean well.
What do I know?
Maybe they are accurate
And maybe I'm just a fool.

I slept for four hours during the afternoon, and I'm still tired.
My brain is probably exhausted from me constantly thinking about the same thing over and over and over, hoping for a different outcome.
Is that a tad bit insane?
That's what insanity is, isn't it?
Doing the same thing repititiously and hoping for something different as an outcome.

What are my emotions doing to me?

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

For Each Boy

For that first boy who broke my heart
And the first boy who made me laugh
And made me believe I was in love
For six solid years
Until goodbye tore us apart.

For that second boy where we shared secrets
For when we walked and you told me your past crushes
And I silently listened
While wanting to tell you I like you
But that I knew my wish would never come true.

For that third boy who was charming
Who had a smile that lit up his face
And in return I gave a smile
Wanting our conversation never to end
And for you to keep repeating
That same hello over and over again.

For that fourth boy whom I never knew
Who I desperately wanted to befriend
Who I didn't know I could like so long
And then some
Like a forever waiting to happen
But his darting eyes never falling to me
And so the question begs
'Why do you bother?'

For the fifth boy who I didn't want to forget
With the handsome face
The weird smile that seemed misplaced
For the way his eyes would sometimes
Sneak to look into mine
While my heart pitter pattered with uncertainity

For the sixth boy who I didn't want to risk liking
But I fell for anyway
Because of his sweetness
And like candy in my mouth
Eventually faded away

For the seventh boy who gave me a one armed hug
And the eighth boy who may or may not be.

These are the days of my infatuation
And they are the people who teach me life lessons.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I Woke Up & Wanted to Blog

This morning, my legs feel like jello. I still feel tired regardless of the nine hours of sleep I acquired, and I need to go to the library to return my books.
Today, it's my one day off from work, and I feel quite aimless. That's not to say that I think I shouldn't take a break and rest. But I just feel so clueless about today, like my plans are uncertain.
Two weeks until my second pay cheque. I guess I should learn to be more frugal, instead of going crazy, just because I have got the money.
I don't know if I feel like I'm missing something in my life, or if I just naturally feel down during the mornings. I wonder what would happen if I lived by myself. Speaking of which, I need to call up my friend later.
Waking up and listening to Alanis Morissette has definitely brightened my day though.
I realized that it's already the end of May, and I haven't done anything to prepare for university. I didn't even apply, yet again this year. I will probably get backlash for that. Why can't people just accept that it's my choice? Well... they probably do, and just want me to be a somebody, somewhere, someday. But for now, I feel content. The job's a bit of a hassle, but I have a good laugh with my friends. And besides, I am still uncertain what I want to study in university. Is that a good excuse? Probably not.
Anyway, I am busy relishing in the absolute amazing-ness that is Alanis Morissette! I am so glad, I picked up her album "The Collection" probably about 5 or so years ago! I absolutely love it. Now more than before, because I have become more logical!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Just Rambles.

I feel like I want to be really frank with the possible myriads of anons and strangers and people I know, who could stumble upon this page. Does that sentence make no sense, it probably doesn't. My brain's a little wacky as of late.
Should I be really personal? I don't know. I get that people have this FEAR of being 'exposed' in a sense, but the way I view it is, who gives a hoot? Sure, some person will find out about your truth somehow, possibly someday, but who cares. I don't really.
First thing: I got a job. As I mentioned in the blog post below. It's okay. I'm making new friends finally. Up until this point in my life, I have never made friends with people outside of school. I've tried and we've lost contact. The things that bother me about the job are the lack of responsibility from the boss and the tardiness of my co-workers. I really feel like perhaps the store might be dangling by a thin rope if I leave, which makes me feel sort of special. I doubt the old-man (boss' father) agrees though. He even threatened to fire me. Good call. I'd like to see that day.
I did a PERSONAL deliver today. That, first and foremost, is NOT my responsibility. I just do the food-making (yes I work at a restaurant-like place).
I've been there for a little over a month. I am excited for my paycheck/cheque. I am not too thrilled with the dimness of my room though.
With last months' wage, I went a little crazy with the want for stuff. Said stuff mainly being dvds... and I feel like I'm just rambling..
I watched this amazing animation movie last night called Mary and Max. You can find it on YouTube, I know that is like stealing from the directors and other people who worked hard for this production, but it's bloody fantastic. And I want to own a copy.
Speaking of going berserk. I have gotten another obsession. I wrote about some of my previous obsessions a while back. The one before the DVDs (current obsession) was collecting notebooks. Their appeal has been lost.
Right now, I should call my friend at work, who will be alone very soon. And I should call my other friend who failed to show up at work. Do you see what I mean by 'tardiness'. Sometimes they don't show up.
Is this blog already too long? I feel like I bore people with my boring life. I also want ice-cream right now. My brain is scattered. And speaking of disorganization, I want to go to the bookstore. Maybe I will.
Today I'm in an okay mood. Sometimes I feel depressed. I want to watch and read To Kill a Mockingbird and I need to renew some of my books that are one day overdue. I wonder if they have TKAM there.
I also feel like the ugly duckling. I don't know. Does it matter how I look? Will I turn into a white swan?
I'm also very thirsty.
I guessed the library catalogue, they have it apparently.
I also need to buy new earphones/headphones. Mine broke. Even my backup, which in turn is failure at its best. I probably should call my friend now.
I didn't even talk about what I wanted to talk about. And my mum is lecturing me about the same thing.
Some things never change.

After a Not-So-Brief-Hiatus

May is almost ending, and here I am, 2 months later with another blog post. I don't even know why I stopped, but have you ever had those times in life, where you just stop doing things you normally do, like writing blogs. An update on my life: I got a job. Nothing super impressive or anything, not in an office, since I'm still too young and without a degree in whatever impressive mambo jumbo the world is fixated upon.
Should I fear that this blog will be exposed if I express too much truth? I guess I shouldn't worry since I have written heaps of personal...things here and no one has seemed to find out or if they have, they have kindly shut up about it. Clever.
It's just an odd Friday evening. It's just past 6, 6:15 PM to be exact. Mum should be home soon, and for once I am early coming home from work because I had a performance to attend and participate in. To be honest, the performance was a bit disappointing.
So what the performance was: me singing with some friends. They asked me to come and join them up on stage about a month and a half before the performance. We spent time and effort trying to perfect the songs. We even changed one of the songs. Originally I was supposed to do only one song, which was fine. Then one of the guys dropped out and the other guy forgot to hand his audition tape in on time, so I was the only one left. So here I am now, the day of the performance and slightly disappointed and amazed that nothing has changed in my ex-school.
The mics still sucked, and the people still seemed all over the place. The crowd was restless and no matter how good I am, will never cease to move in motion. Was it disappointing.. in a way yes and in a way no. To be fair, it wasn't a big deal. I never set out to impress anyone.. and just a side note I feel extremely sleepy.
What was I talking about.....oh the talent show. I don't know. The good thing about it, is that I gained more friends through it. Or rather we became closer in a way, and I enjoyed practising with them. My voice was hoarse during the week and it recovered. I was so ready to tackle the high note on the second song, only to be rudely cut short. Hello, it's OUR TIME TO SHINE. Rude.
Oh well, life's like that, still giving me lemons on a rainy day.
Anyway, this is enough info for an up-to-date blog, I will make a seperate blog post about what I ACTUALLY want to talk about. Exciting, I know.