For Each Boy

For that first boy who broke my heart
And the first boy who made me laugh
And made me believe I was in love
For six solid years
Until goodbye tore us apart.

For that second boy where we shared secrets
For when we walked and you told me your past crushes
And I silently listened
While wanting to tell you I like you
But that I knew my wish would never come true.

For that third boy who was charming
Who had a smile that lit up his face
And in return I gave a smile
Wanting our conversation never to end
And for you to keep repeating
That same hello over and over again.

For that fourth boy whom I never knew
Who I desperately wanted to befriend
Who I didn't know I could like so long
And then some
Like a forever waiting to happen
But his darting eyes never falling to me
And so the question begs
'Why do you bother?'

For the fifth boy who I didn't want to forget
With the handsome face
The weird smile that seemed misplaced
For the way his eyes would sometimes
Sneak to look into mine
While my heart pitter pattered with uncertainity

For the sixth boy who I didn't want to risk liking
But I fell for anyway
Because of his sweetness
And like candy in my mouth
Eventually faded away

For the seventh boy who gave me a one armed hug
And the eighth boy who may or may not be.

These are the days of my infatuation
And they are the people who teach me life lessons.

I Woke Up & Wanted to Blog

This morning, my legs feel like jello. I still feel tired regardless of the nine hours of sleep I acquired, and I need to go to the library to return my books.
Today, it's my one day off from work, and I feel quite aimless. That's not to say that I think I shouldn't take a break and rest. But I just feel so clueless about today, like my plans are uncertain.
Two weeks until my second pay cheque. I guess I should learn to be more frugal, instead of going crazy, just because I have got the money.
I don't know if I feel like I'm missing something in my life, or if I just naturally feel down during the mornings. I wonder what would happen if I lived by myself. Speaking of which, I need to call up my friend later.
Waking up and listening to Alanis Morissette has definitely brightened my day though.
I realized that it's already the end of May, and I haven't done anything to prepare for university. I didn't even apply, yet again this year. I will probably get backlash for that. Why can't people just accept that it's my choice? Well... they probably do, and just want me to be a somebody, somewhere, someday. But for now, I feel content. The job's a bit of a hassle, but I have a good laugh with my friends. And besides, I am still uncertain what I want to study in university. Is that a good excuse? Probably not.
Anyway, I am busy relishing in the absolute amazing-ness that is Alanis Morissette! I am so glad, I picked up her album "The Collection" probably about 5 or so years ago! I absolutely love it. Now more than before, because I have become more logical!

Just Rambles.

I feel like I want to be really frank with the possible myriads of anons and strangers and people I know, who could stumble upon this page. Does that sentence make no sense, it probably doesn't. My brain's a little wacky as of late.
Should I be really personal? I don't know. I get that people have this FEAR of being 'exposed' in a sense, but the way I view it is, who gives a hoot? Sure, some person will find out about your truth somehow, possibly someday, but who cares. I don't really.
First thing: I got a job. As I mentioned in the blog post below. It's okay. I'm making new friends finally. Up until this point in my life, I have never made friends with people outside of school. I've tried and we've lost contact. The things that bother me about the job are the lack of responsibility from the boss and the tardiness of my co-workers. I really feel like perhaps the store might be dangling by a thin rope if I leave, which makes me feel sort of special. I doubt the old-man (boss' father) agrees though. He even threatened to fire me. Good call. I'd like to see that day.
I did a PERSONAL deliver today. That, first and foremost, is NOT my responsibility. I just do the food-making (yes I work at a restaurant-like place).
I've been there for a little over a month. I am excited for my paycheck/cheque. I am not too thrilled with the dimness of my room though.
With last months' wage, I went a little crazy with the want for stuff. Said stuff mainly being dvds... and I feel like I'm just rambling..
I watched this amazing animation movie last night called Mary and Max. You can find it on YouTube, I know that is like stealing from the directors and other people who worked hard for this production, but it's bloody fantastic. And I want to own a copy.
Speaking of going berserk. I have gotten another obsession. I wrote about some of my previous obsessions a while back. The one before the DVDs (current obsession) was collecting notebooks. Their appeal has been lost.
Right now, I should call my friend at work, who will be alone very soon. And I should call my other friend who failed to show up at work. Do you see what I mean by 'tardiness'. Sometimes they don't show up.
Is this blog already too long? I feel like I bore people with my boring life. I also want ice-cream right now. My brain is scattered. And speaking of disorganization, I want to go to the bookstore. Maybe I will.
Today I'm in an okay mood. Sometimes I feel depressed. I want to watch and read To Kill a Mockingbird and I need to renew some of my books that are one day overdue. I wonder if they have TKAM there.
I also feel like the ugly duckling. I don't know. Does it matter how I look? Will I turn into a white swan?
I'm also very thirsty.
I guessed the library catalogue, they have it apparently.
I also need to buy new earphones/headphones. Mine broke. Even my backup, which in turn is failure at its best. I probably should call my friend now.
I didn't even talk about what I wanted to talk about. And my mum is lecturing me about the same thing.
Some things never change.

After a Not-So-Brief-Hiatus

May is almost ending, and here I am, 2 months later with another blog post. I don't even know why I stopped, but have you ever had those times in life, where you just stop doing things you normally do, like writing blogs. An update on my life: I got a job. Nothing super impressive or anything, not in an office, since I'm still too young and without a degree in whatever impressive mambo jumbo the world is fixated upon.
Should I fear that this blog will be exposed if I express too much truth? I guess I shouldn't worry since I have written heaps of personal...things here and no one has seemed to find out or if they have, they have kindly shut up about it. Clever.
It's just an odd Friday evening. It's just past 6, 6:15 PM to be exact. Mum should be home soon, and for once I am early coming home from work because I had a performance to attend and participate in. To be honest, the performance was a bit disappointing.
So what the performance was: me singing with some friends. They asked me to come and join them up on stage about a month and a half before the performance. We spent time and effort trying to perfect the songs. We even changed one of the songs. Originally I was supposed to do only one song, which was fine. Then one of the guys dropped out and the other guy forgot to hand his audition tape in on time, so I was the only one left. So here I am now, the day of the performance and slightly disappointed and amazed that nothing has changed in my ex-school.
The mics still sucked, and the people still seemed all over the place. The crowd was restless and no matter how good I am, will never cease to move in motion. Was it disappointing.. in a way yes and in a way no. To be fair, it wasn't a big deal. I never set out to impress anyone.. and just a side note I feel extremely sleepy.
What was I talking about.....oh the talent show. I don't know. The good thing about it, is that I gained more friends through it. Or rather we became closer in a way, and I enjoyed practising with them. My voice was hoarse during the week and it recovered. I was so ready to tackle the high note on the second song, only to be rudely cut short. Hello, it's OUR TIME TO SHINE. Rude.
Oh well, life's like that, still giving me lemons on a rainy day.
Anyway, this is enough info for an up-to-date blog, I will make a seperate blog post about what I ACTUALLY want to talk about. Exciting, I know.

The Want to Seek Adventures.

So here I am, in the city that I grew up in, and knowing almost nothing about it. Sure there's the day-to-day activities that I always encounter, but there's so much MORE to explore besides this tiny perimeter of comfort that I have grown accustomed to.
Recently, I've been trying to keep myself occupied by going outside and just seeing what's there, even if I go to the same places. I've been trying to 'broaden my horizons' if you will, and to enjoy the sunshine. I'm enjoying the sunlight actually, I'm grateful for it, even if it causes me to sweat like a melting snowman (well, the sun hasn't quite reached that point of heat yet, but it's only Spring after all).
My new 'want' in life is to go out and explore the city and to take wonderful pictures of my adventures. I've been pushing aside the thought of the future for a long while now, and as every one of my friends dwell on school work, I'm busy dwelling on what the hell I'm going to do in an hour. It's not that I don't view education as being important, it's just I don't think I am ready to set in stone what my future will be, and by that I mean, what profession to choose, and yes, I've heard the argument of 'well, it's not like you're required to go to school knowing everything about your future', but I like to be sure! I don't necessarily want to apply to a school, get enrolled and feel like dropping out or becoming a slacker, because that is a waste of time, money and energy. Also, I don't appreciate people hounding me about this and that. You worry about you and I'll worry about me. Trust me, I'll come up with something. That's the beauty of life right? Not knowing about your tomorrow! It's like an adventure everyday.
I've been enjoying my downtime to be honest. I took a year off school, to just relax and not get caught up with the hype of the NOW. And perhaps that translates as being unmotivated and lazy, but sometimes people need a break from the reality they know, and need to learn just to take a breather and not be so serious all the time.
I really feel that I've grown as a person this year. Everyone from the outside might view me as not really being serious about my future, but the future is called the future for the reason. How can you be so certain of who you are or what you do? I thought I knew myself back when I graduated too. I thought I would be independent enough and that I could learn the things I didn't know. But turns out I had more to learn.
This year has had a lot of rough patches, and I learned to depend on myself, instead of always seeking comfort from others. I learned to go out of my comfort zone, I'm still slightly awkward around people, but it's not this sort of tense I-hope-I-get-to-leave-in-about-a-second feeling. It's knowing that I can get through it and it's not as bad as I imagined.
I have so much to write about myself, and I could probably go on and on and on, but I just feel more alive now. It seems that in high-school I confined a part of myself, and didn't really allow myself be spontaneous enough, and now I feel like I have all the time in the world and that nothing else matters except satisfying whatever it is that your heart tells you do.
Money doesn't matter that much anymore.
Not becoming the perfect person that everyone expects you to be shouldn't be a problem.
I really feel like I have 'matured' during my break. I feel more philosophical and I've learned to be more patient and forgiving and knowing that it's OKAY to go through a roller coaster of emotions because that is what being human is about. And that's what I've learned. I'm human.
In a way, I've already gone on many adventures. I've already stepped beyond the perimeters that I thought were holding me back, when really it was just me. And for today I feel okay. I feel content, and I feel that hole that used to be a part of who I am is slowly closing, and in its place I will find true joy and happiness.

Change Happens.

I haven't written in a long while, but it's one of those months where my inspiration or desire is lost. Right now, I'm just forcing myself to write, so it doesn't seem like I've completely abandoned this blog - because I haven't!

Since the Tuesday two weeks ago, I feel things have changed. Isn't it so strange and amazing how things change so fast, but you never really notice or care about it? I'm a different me than I was yesterday and I can never recapture that me from last week or last month or last year, because people constantly change. I don't mean in a dramatic way, but just in little ways, like learning something new or appreciating the little things and not taking things for granted! I don't know if I've already wrote this story on my blog, but I will write it again.

A few years ago, I was riding the metro with one of my best friends. I remember asking her specifically, "do you think I have changed?" and she said indifferently, "yeah, a little" and I was sort of shocked and annoyed by her answer because I didn't want to change. Back then, to me change was viewed negatively. The meaning was morphed in my mind, and to have changed meant I had become a completely different person - which was not the case. Now I view a change in character not a bad thing. We've all got to change or will change inevitably. We won't stay the same way we were when we were 15. I've changed from 5 years ago. I've become less naive, less dependent, and I'm sure changed in more ways than I have noticed.
A few months back, I was writing about how I wanted to travel to France, but now it seems that interest has waned a little. That's not to say that I don't want to go to France, I definitely do, but sometimes we have to take a rational approach to things. I think it would be fantastic for me to be able to save up and go to France, instead of asking my parents for favors and pleading with them to allow me to go! I've always wanted this sense of 'freedom' and independence, but not complete independence. Do you know what it's like in the real world? It's less forgiving and you're more prone to making mistakes. And when you start to work, you realize that others are dependent on YOU! It's half daunting and half exhilarating!
Back in January, I had this perfect plan. It seemed so easy. I would find a job, save up money, then in a year's time... who knew? Maybe I'd go to school somewhere nearby, it didn't matter where, because I knew I was smart enough to go places. Maybe I'd get a small apartment, perhaps near my parents, perhaps not. But what has ended up happening is difficulties. I've had to struggle with emotions, which have grown heavier and harder to control since I've left school. Finding a job has become impossible, which just makes me want to leave even faster. And all my hopes from January seem like wishful thinking.
This is what leads a person to change, even if we're not aware of it. Life gives us lemons to let us test the waters. Inevitably we have to go through hardships and sometimes we might throw a fit and pout and complain about how it's utterly unfair how some people seem so lucky. But I don't think it has ANYTHING to do with luck. It's about you as a person, and how you view your situation. I know this may sound somewhat optimistic, but trust me, I am not a happy-go-lucky type of person, but this is the reality. If all we do is complain and never change our situation or learn to adapt, all we're gonna end up doing is becoming dissatisfied and angry with the world, when really, all we had to do from the start was to become a little bit more humble and accept that change happens.

Tuesday.

Coughing is definitely not fun. My voice has that awful 'sickness' quality to it, which makes me sound stuffed up and nasally. I woke up a few times during the night to cough up a lung, I'm pretty sure I disturbed my parents since we have THIN walls in this house.
I felt like I had a fever yesterday, but I awoke this morning without a headache, and so now I don't really feel like going to the doctor's to get cough medicine.
I tried to go last night when I actually FELT ill, but they were closing up. I had thought they closed at 9 pm, turns out they decided to become more lazy and close an hour earlier since God knows when. They is entirely inconvinient, and I don't get why everything closes so early. When I had to get my teeth checked out, the dentist's also closed at 8 pm. What is up with that?
So I had a pounding headache and I was getting pretty ticked off since they were unhelpful. Then mum and I asked if we could make an appointment for the next morning to which the nurse replied that we had to CALL in the morning to make an appointment.
I HATE APPOINTMENTS! Why? Because they're never on time. I could make an appointment for 10 in the morning and I still have to wait like 40 minutes even if I get there 20 minutes earlier. So what is the point of that? That really just aggravates me, especially since I only talk to the doctor for about 3 minutes. I don't just stay in there and ask him a billion questions like SOME people do. I get it, it's your turn, you want to get your moneys' worth, but some of us don't have all day to wait in the waiting section.
I don't know if I want to make an appointment though. I don't feel that bad. Just a cough and a nasally voice. My nose isn't running, I don't have a headache and all else seems fine. If they had opened later last night, I probably wouldn't have hesitated, but alas, they're not that useful.
I also picked up one of their cards (since I HAD to make a phone appointment) and I checked out their opening hours. It was from 9-1 pm and 4-8 pm. WHY DO YOU NEED THREE HOURS FOR BREAK? I never really understood that. Are you guys holding a meeting everyday? Are you tried from using your brains? Can someone please clear that up for me? It really boggles my mind! I just realized that since I was being lazy all morning, I can't exactly go to the doctors now because they close for THREE hours, so I guess I'll go sometime in the late afternoon and pick up some (hopefully) useful meds to take for my damn cold. Stupid flu season, can people seriously learn to COVER their mouths when sneezing or coughing? Is it THAT hard to move your hand a little bit to not spread your germs to people who don't want your germs? Is that too much to ask for?